Log #23 (Sitting in a Taco)

Talk about a long day today. Why is it than when you get no sleep that time drags on? Why can it drag when you're having fun and speed up when you're not?

We decided to take the boys out to dinner last night. One reason was because my wife had a busy afternoon at work and so she didn't feel like cooking. The other reason was to just get out for something different so we found a coupon for a Chinese food buffet place and headed out. When we go out we have to get a booth because regular chairs are far too uncomfortable. I can say with all honesty that I have not sat on such uncomfortable booth seating in all my life.

My eight year old sat next to me on my bench while my wife and our twelve year old sat across from us. Every time my eight year old leaned forward the bench tilted forward too. I kept thinking we were both going to slide underneath the table at any minute. The other annoying thing was that the bench was made in such a way that the part that cushioned the upper back was closer to the table than the lower back. Kind of like sitting in a folded taco and about as comfortable.

That being said, I was in a lot of pain last night and I didn't sleep much at all. That is pretty much par for the course though. I get one night where I sleep okay because I'm totally exhausted and then the next few are sleepless. I guess it sounds strange that I'm worried about building up a tolerance for Ambien seemingly more than the pain medications. Well the difference is that I have to take the pain medication, but the Ambien is optional. So I only take Ambien as a last resort.
The other problem compounded with the pain is that the Savella the doctor prescribed for fibromyalgia is causing insomnia. When I tried to take a nap today I couldn't sleep then either. It is like I go into a complete restful state, but I'm totally aware of everything around me. It would be good if all I was trying to is relax, but it sucks for trying to sleep.

Today I started taking the 50mg Savella tablets (2x/day) in the two week starter pack, which is the dosage I've been building up to. Yesterday was the 25mg tablets--one in the morning and one in the evening. So everything doubles today. The side effect of this stuff besides insomnia is nausea. I didn't notice the nausea so much with the smaller dosage, but I noticed it this morning. Nothing more fun than being super tired and nauseated at the same time. At least I've noticed that I don't feel so much body aches that I had before so on the bright side I don't have to deal with that pain so much.

Tonight I hope to sleep well enough so that I can go to the first part of church with my family. I don't get to go like I would like to and I miss it a lot. I miss going to work and creating things and solving problems. I miss going to the park and teaching my boys how to catch or hit the ball. I miss being able to walk around the super market looking at things I want, but won't buy. I miss a lot of things. I even miss getting up in the morning with no pain or being able to get more sleep than I need when I sleep in on Saturday morning. I miss getting to stand in the shower until the hot water runs out.

When you put all of these things together it's easy to see why I'd have depression even though I'm taking medication for it. While I was laying in bed trying sleep this afternoon I was thinking that if I died in that moment I wouldn't be afraid. Not suicidal kind of dieing. Just that if my time had come it wouldn't scare me like that kind of thing used to. I don't want to die and I don't want to leave my family with all of that grief, but if I had to go I'd find some peace in it.