Log #126 (More Epidurals)

Looks like I'm heading toward another round of epidurals (I had four injections before the surgery at this time last year).  I went into my back doctor today so he could go over the results of my CT scan with me.  It looks like I don't have anything obstructing my sciatic nerves anymore so he wants to try some anti-inflammatory injections into the nerves to see if that will relieve the pain now that the surgery has been done.  This is kind of like the last hope.  Because the nerves were pinched for so long (This is the fault of workman's compensation because they refuse to do anything), there is a good chance the nerves will never heal.  So I get the epidurals and if they don't work then I just have to wait and see what time and healing can do for me.  All I know is that I have not felt any positive benefit from the surgery--as it applies to my pain levels.

It's time to roll the dice again and hope that it pays off.

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Log #125 (Cabin Fever)

Sometimes, when I think about my situation, I get the feeling that I should be doing more with my time.  I have things I'd like to do and sometimes I feel like I may actually be able to do them, but when I can't I get a little frustrated.  Being home all of the time is rough when I've spent most of my life spending large portions of the day outside of the house.  In a small way I get cabin fever.

I'm glad I can get to the gym each day even though it ends up hurting a lot afterward.

This is one of the aspects of Chronic Pain that a lot of people don't get.  Some people automatically assume that I'm home because I'm lazy and don't want to work.  They think I use my condition as an excuse and that I couldn't be as bad as I say I am.  Because of this, I usually don't like people knowing about my problems or that I'm home all day.  I've come to terms with what I can and can't do, but I still have a hard time with not going to work everyday and how people perceive me. 

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Log #124 (Down Day)

I'm not sure what exactly I did today, but I'm in a lot of pain.  I guess you can say this is a bad pain day.

Right after I finished swimming at the gym, my groin started to hurt really bad.  When we got home I didn't do too much except make a doggy door in the sliding screen door to the back yard.  This wasn't much of a project, but it's the only thing I can think of that made things worse.  My groin was killing me all through, but I've been wanting to make this doggy door for quite some time--it needed to be done actually.

Anyway, afterward, I laid down for a while in bed and as I did so my back started hurting worse as well.  Kind of like slowly turning up the volume on a radio; my back increased in pain.  It was bad enough that I actually took a Norco and so far it hasn't done much.  I have to drive my boys to and from swimming lessons this evening, which means that I have to wait until after I pick them up before I can seriously do something to ease the pain.

It's times like this where the clock seems to be moving backward and it feels like I'm waiting a million years to get relief.

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Log #123 (Routine Recipe)

I read an article once about how poor sleep patterns lead to a shorter life expectancy.  This is alarming to anyone who has trouble sleeping because of Chronic Pain or illness.  One or two nights of poor sleep is one thing, but when it's a continual problem it's easy to see how the body stops working at peak levels.

Severe pain alters every aspect of a normal life, but I think the biggest impact it has on health is sleep.  At some point the desire for sleep can outweigh the desire for pain relief.  Another problem associated with this is sleeping at regular times and hours, which can be extremely difficult.

There are some things I've learned that help minimize some of these deficiencies and result in better sleep.  Some of these ideas may work for you and others may not, but the important thing is to develop a routine.

1. Try going to bed close to the same time each evening.
2. Set a time for a "cool down" period before bed.  A time to clear the mind and forget worries.
3. Decide to put all worries and concerns away until the next day.
4. Eliminate as much light and sound as is possible.
5. Listen to soothing music or sounds.  Make sure the volume is very low so if you fall asleep with it on it won't disrupt your sleep.
6. Use whatever medication you might have to reduce the pain you experience while trying to sleep.
7. Find the most comfortable place and position to sleep in.

These last few weeks I've been sleeping much better, due in large part to the Medical MJ.  I am able to use the MJ just before bed some nights and it takes away all of my pain while relaxing all of my muscles.  This usually lasts through the night.  The down side is that the most comfortable place for me to sleep is on the couch.  I sleep on the couch until about 5:00am then I go back to bed so I won't be in the front room when the kids start getting up in the morning.  My music of choice is ELO (Electric Light Orchestra).  This has been one of my favorite groups since I was a young man and I find it some of the most soothing music.


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Log #122 (Take A Chance)

Well, it's the end of another week of writing in my blog.  I hope that by now people who read this regularly will be able to see the difference in my tone of writing.  I try to be a little more positive than I was in the past.  The only reason I'm able to do this is because of the change in my medications.

People with chronic pain go through a lot.  It's a very hard existence for anyone and the challenges are more than most people can comprehend.  No only do sufferers have to deal with their own pains they also have to deal with changes in income, family hardships caused by the condition, and social challenges as well.  I really don't blame anyone for seeking relief from their pain or how they go about it.  My concern is that they get enough information about the treatment options so that they can make educated decisions about how they will seek relief.

It's not enough to assume that the doctors have all the answers or that the pills they prescribe are safe or the best course of action.  I've come to learn that I can push through much more pain than I ever thought possible.  I don't need to be medicated 24/7 even though it would be easier to do so--in some ways.  My point in writing this tonight is that if you are suffering or if you know someone who is suffering then please open yourself up to studying ALL options of treatment.  Not all things will work, but some will and if it improves the quality of your life then you've accomplished something.

Even if the challenge seems like too much to over come you must push forward.  All of these trials will make you a better person as long as you refuse to give up (myself included).  Never let your condition keep you from having a fulfilling life.  If you feel like life isn't worth living or that your condition is too much for you to take then maybe it's a sign that you need to change your approach and do something new.  Become a warrior!

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Log #121 (The Medical Circus)

I've had my full share of medical problems in my life so you would think that I'd know all of the ins and outs of medical insurance, but I don't.  When you are healthy and working 40hrs a week you have limited association with the medical community.  When a serious illness or chronic problem occurs you find yourself becoming more dependant upon doctors and medicine.  That dependence on doctors goes hand-n-hand with medical insurance.

Pretty soon the doctor bills are piling up and you have no idea how to read the statements they send.  The insurance companies make everything confusing and complicated because you can never really tell what they have already paid or what they will pay in the future.  For example, it is now been nearly seven months since my back surgery and we are still trying to get the insurance to pay their portion of the bill.  They tell the doctor's office that they need information from me to process the claim and when I call them they turn around and say they need information from the doctor's office.  It's like riding a merry-go-round with circus music playing in the background.

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Log #120 (Gaining Perspective)

Chronic Pain is like playing roulette each day.  No matter how you place your bet you have no control over where the ball will land.  It seems like I can follow the exact same routine each day and get different resulting pain each time.  It makes planning things a little difficult, but not impossible.  Every day has to be taken in stride.

In these last few months, with a clear mind ruling my judgement, I've come to accept a lot of things about myself and my condition.  By doing this I've gained some peace of mind.  There are still uncertainties that I don't like dealing with, which also tend to dampen my mood, but having come to terms with my condition it helps me to face the other problems a little easier.

It's all a matter of perspective.

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Log #119 (Clueless)

Today I had an appointment with the doctor from Workman's Comp that has been treating my back problems since 2004.  The last time I saw him was September 2009 and that was when he released me from his care because he said there was nothing more he could do for me because of the way WC was refusing to do anything more.

Anyway, my lawyer sent me a letter a few months ago that told me I had to go back and see that doctor again.  The letter didn't say why except that it was needed to move my case along.  So I get to the doctor today and he has no clue as to why my lawyer sent me to see him.  He had received the same ambiguous letter that I did so he wasn't sure what he needed to do.  In the end, he didn't do anything or examine me in any way and it turned out to be a wasted trip.  We were both clueless.

I called my lawyer's office and was told that the girl who set up the appointment would contact me tomorrow.  I guess I'll have to do the same thing again except this time there will be some instructions regarding what is to be accomplished.

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Log #118 (Father's Day)

This was a great Father's Day weekend for me.  I am grateful for holidays such as Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Not because of the recognition I receive, but because those holiday's help us focus on our families.  We did everything as a family for the last three days and that is the best gift I could have received this weekend.

My wife drove us all down to the beach on Friday and I got to lay down in the shade of our canopy tent and watch the boys play in the ocean.  The trip down there and back, along with a little walking, made me very sore, but the time with my family makes all of this worth it.

This weekend culminated with my two oldest sons calling and wishing me a happy father's day.  This was the first time in a long while where everyone of my children remembered to call.  It doesn't take much for a parent to feel absolute joy in their children.

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Log #117 (Victory!!!)

I'll have to admit that chronic pain seems to disappear when your team wins the championship and it hurts a lot worse when they lose.  Tonight I can say that I am on the winning side of things and it is a good break from the pain.  LAKERS WIN!!!!!!

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Log #116 (Cut It Off)

I don't know if I slept wrong last night or what, but my left leg was absolutely killing me today.  It felt so bad I almost wished it was cut off or something.  I couldn't put any weight on it at all without serious pain.  When it gets that bad it seems like there's nothing that will stop the pain.  It's as if the brain gets so focused on the pain that all time slows down.  Eventually it does with medication of some kind, but until that kicks in... it's an eternity.

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Log #115 (More Radiation)

Not much new to report today.  I have a CT scan on my back tomorrow so the doctor can look at the L5-S1 area where he did the surgery.  He wants to see if he can find anything pinching the nerves.  I've had so many scans and x-rays that I'll probably start glowing soon.

Other than that, we had our last little league game of the season and the boys will take a break until next fall.  We/I didn't do much else today including not going to the gym.  My wife and I go together on Saturday so I usually take a day off from working out during the week.  My back is not as sore today as it was on Sunday so I'm heading in the right direction and I'll be able to deal with the pain better.

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Log #114 (Just Say No)

One thing a person with Chronic Pain must be able to do is know when to say, "no."  The body has limitations and when those are exceeded the body lets you know by increasing your pain levels.  There are always things I want to do and then there are the things I can do.  Sometimes the "want to" and "can do" don't match up well and I have to accept that.

I would like to maintain my gym schedule so I can continue to stay healthy, but my back tells me I've had enough of the strenuous work outs for this week.  Generally I'll go and ride the recumbent bike followed by a good swim.  The bike gives me a good cardio workout and the swimming works my muscles.  This week I'll have to lay off the swimming and rest my back so I can resume the swimming next week with less pain.

Back when I was working, I didn't know how to say no very well.  I sacrificed my body in a lot of ways so I could have a high paying job, but I didn't maintain my health in the process.  I ended up putting even more strain on my back when I already knew it was getting worse.  Now I can see that I should have taken better care of myself in a lot of ways, and because I didn't, I'll have permanent problems to deal with.  Not a good trade off.

Never allow yourself to put your job above your health!  It's a sacrifice that dosen't need to be made!

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Log #113 (Self-Preservation)

I am changing my weekend writing schedule around my wife's working hours so that I can spend more free time with her.  This means I'll be taking Friday and Saturday nights off from writing instead of Saturday and Sunday nights.

Everything caught up with me this week when it comes to my back and groin pain.  My foot is still flopping slightly and my sciatica has been terrible.  I feel like the Greek god, Zeus, has been casting his lightning bolts down through my legs in one painful wave after another.  I kept pushing myself to do my exercise in spite of it all and I've just been doing too much.  In other words, I haven't given myself any rest and I'm paying the price for it.

I had to take the day off today because I don't think I could get by this next week.  This included using Medical MJ to get relief.  It works so much faster and better than the pain pills and I'm actually able to sleep in my own bed.  Most of the time I have to spend most of the night sleeping on the couch in order to get enough pressure off of my back.  My bed is awesome, but sometimes even that puts me in more pain and I hate to think how much worse my sleep would be if I had a regular bed.  With the medical MJ, I can sleep in my bed most of the time; I just don't use it that much.

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Log #112 (Inspiration)

Last night I was in a lot of pain as I was getting ready for bed, but I decided not to do anything about it.  Because of that, I didn't get much sleep, but I did see an interesting show on TV that was kind of inspiring so there was something positive that came from my sleeplessness.  It was a reality show about a competition between a group of artists to be the next great artist.

There was a time when I lived and breathed art,  but I gave it up when I decided that it was more important to provide a steady income for my family.  Being creative was a great outlet for me and I miss that.  I did a pretty good portrait drawing of my wife's uncle last year, but because of everything going on I found it hard to stay in the right frame of mind.  Now that my thinking is much clearer I see no reason why I shouldn't take the time that I have to pursue another facet of my life that I love.  I'll still do my writing, but that isn't my first love.

Being disabled is a great opportunity for me to go after dreams that I put off for the sake of my family.  Now that my income is pretty much set, I can use this time to improve my talents and if I work hard enough at it I can put together a body of work that I can be proud of.  My strong suit has been portraits, figure drawings, and sculpting.  I may not be able to do much sculpting without some equipment to lift the stone for me so I can focus on the other two.  I just need to find someone besides my wife brave enough to pose nude for me. LOL  The artwork on this page is my own.

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Log #111 (On Hold)

My plan of taking Norco for pain on a limited basis will have to be put on hold for a little while.  I don't think there has been enough time for my body to reset completely.  Even though I took two in the last week, I still had mini withdrawals within 24 hours of taking the pill.  I know from experience that my body shouldn't react that way so my only conclusion is that I need to go without Norco for a while longer.

This means that for the next week I'll really have to watch what I do so I won't add more pain than absolutely necessary.  This also means that I'll have to use medical MJ, which I really don't like because of the way it makes me feel for the first hour or two. 

Besides, I'm already in a lot more pain than usual because I had to sit at the doctor's office this afternoon for an hour.  Someone needs to explain to doctor's that having rock-hard chairs contributes to their patients discomfort, but then, maybe that's what they're trying to achieve. :-)

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Log #110 (Hope)

I find it quite interesting that people look to me for advice or view me as some sort of great man.  I don't see that in myself.  I find it hard to make the choices I make and sometimes I screw up a lot before I finally get it right.  All of us have two personalities; one in our minds with all the insecurities and then there is the public perception of who we are.  I'm sure that for some people the two are very close to being the same.

The reason why I bring this up is because I don't have all the answers when it comes to this stuff and what I write is mostly my own views.  I like to read up on things and I write what I read about, but I still encourage my readers to research things for themselves.

I know that some of you suffer a lot more than I do and I want to give you some encouragement... When I was in the locker room at the gym, a guy saw the scars on my back and asked about the surgery I had.  It turns out that he had the same vertebra fused, but had a different procedure and at two levels.  The encouraging thing about his story was that he was once in a wheel chair and nearly incoherent because he was taking so many pain pills.  He was taking 40mg Oxycontin every 4 hours and drooling all over himself.  Now he is off all of his pain medication and he's fit and he's healthy.  Granted he had better results from his surgery, but the difference for him was an implanted morphine pump that was put in seven years ago.  The morphine goes directly into his spine and not his blood so he doesn't have any side effects or tolerance issues.  His quality of life has improved drastically from drooling in a wheel chair to where he is now.

Never give up hope.  What works for one person may not work for another, but technology is constantly changing and like that guy someday the right procedure might come along that will change things around.  

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Log #109 (Living the Dream)

I've decided that I'll no longer make entries on the weekend.  For one, I need to break from writing and for another it will give me a fresh view of things when Monday comes.

When it comes to my pain, I view it very differently than I did just a short while ago.  Then, I viewed it as an enemy and something I needed to kill.  Every minute was a quest to find relief; to destroy it.  When I realized that I was having withdrawals in between doses and knowing at the same time that I was going to build up tolerance no matter what I did, I knew then that if I continued on the path I was on that I would probably not make it to my 60th birthday.  To me, it felt like a certainty that I wouldn't live that long.

I once had a dream where I saw my family gathered for a reunion.  It was for my 80th birthday and it was as real as any dream can be.  I also had a dream about the day I died at the age of 83.  It doesn't really matter if those dreams are true or not, what matters is that I have something to aspire to; something to live for.  Personally I've had enough dreams come true that I put some faith in them and I know when they have meaning and when they don't.  That being said, I could see that I wasn't going in the direction that would enable those things to come to pass.

I may have a lot of pain and not be able to function the way I would like.  I may not reach the goals I set for myself, but I am determined to face my trials in the correct frame of mind.  I'm positive that some days will be a lot worse than others and I'll deal with them as they come along, but all other times I can push myself to live with the pain and do what I can to live as normal a life as I possibly can.  An example of this is not letting the pain keep me from being healthy and going to the gym.  It hurts like hell and I have every excuse not to go.  No one would blame me if I didn't.  Yet, I do go and I feel like that 80th birthday is more obtainable than it has been for a long time.

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Log #108 (Flopsey Mopsey)

One of the problems with the sciatic nerve is that when it gets pinched a certain way the motor skills of the leg go nowhere.  The foot starts flopping when you walk and you can't lift your leg very well.  It is a very strange feeling indeed.  I don't know how it is for other people, but when this happens to me it doesn't hurt any more than it usually does.  The first time I noticed this was a few years ago at work when I was doing a lot of walking around one day.

It happened again today while I was at the gym on the recumbent bike.  I had been peddling for about 25 minutes when it started in my left leg (the left leg is the one that always gives me the most problems).  It is very hard to peddle when the leg stops working.  My right leg had to do the majority of the work for the next ten minutes and I opted not to swim because of it.  I even had increased numbness in my left leg.  It is now late in the evening and my leg is no better.  It will probably take a day or two of rest to get it back.

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Log #107 (Good Friend)

I received a cool book today on RLS from a good friend, Linda.  I was able to read quite a bit of it and I learned some interesting things, namely that there is a strong connection between Iron deficiency and RLS.  I had heard this before, but seeing so much written on it makes me think twice.  I've had blood tests before for Iron and the levels were normal, but it makes sense to maybe add an Iron supplement to my diet for a month and see how my RLS reacts to it.

The earliest memory I have of RLS was when I was around eleven or twelve years old and my Mom and I were on a long road trip.  My legs started to fatigue up and cramp while we were driving.  It lasted for about 30 minutes then went away.  I had episodes off and on over the following years and then in my late twenties and early thirties it became much more of a problem.  Now it is a daily thing.  If I don't take my Requip then it gets really bad.  In general, it's much worse when I don't sleep well.

There was some links between RLS and spinal injuries or diseases, but I think my RLS is probably more of a genetic thing.  I was run over by a car when I was 2-1/2 years old and the tire went right over my stomach so it's hard to say what long term affects that might have had on my body that weren't immediately manifested when I was little.  The pain management doctor suggested that there might be a link between my current groin pain (genital femoral neuropathy) and getting run over as a child.  If that is possible after all of these years then I can't rule out the RLS.

The book is no longer in print (printed in 2004) probably because there is new information available now, but I added a link to a book by the same author.

Thanks Linda!!!!

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Log #106 (RLS Medicine)

I'm not going to write much tonight.  Sometimes, after taking my RLS medicine, I get very nauseated and tonight is one of those nights.  I don't know why it happens in such a random manner, but when it does I usually end up with my face over the toilet bowl.

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Log #105 (Vacation)

I decided to use the Holiday weekend as an excuse not to write and take a little vacation.

My family (Mom, Sister, Brother-in-law, and my niece with her husband and kids) came to visit Saturday so we had a lot of preparation to do on Friday.  Besides all of the cleaning, we had to buy all the food, plus do our regular family stuff.  Saturday I did a lot of cooking in our smoker so I had to get up and down a lot.

All-in-all I did too much physical stuff and now I'm in a lot of pain, but I wouldn't change a thing.  We had a great time together and I wasn't too high from pain medications.  I had to take a few Vicodin over the weekend; once when we were cleaning on Friday and again Saturday evening before bed.  Those pills work a lot better after not taking them for a few weeks, but now that everything is settling back to normal I'm not taking them anymore. 

That is how I plan to use these medications... Only when I have to and there is no other option (the other option being medical MJ).

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