Log #27 (Break Down)

I'm still sick, but I want to try and write more tonight anyway.

Tonight I'd like to share some things about depression and how it has affected my situation. Part of my promise in writing this blog was to be honest and lay things on the line without glossing things over.

Come with me, if you will, back to the end of last October (2009). Halloween was coming around, my sons were playing fall baseball, and I was doing everything I could to feel useful. Earlier in the year I had finished a Sci-Fi novel that I was very excited about, but after running it through all of the channels I learned that I had to have prior publishing experience before I could get this particular book published. I won't go into all of the details as to why that is. The thing that is important here was that I had high hopes of getting it published and I couldn't. I was realistic about the idea and I knew it was going to be difficult to get it published, but I still had too much hanging on it. My hope was to have some income coming in no matter how meager because it would help me to feel like I was working to support the family.

By the time October rolled around I was writing a second novel in a different genre, but finding it much more difficult. Mainly because depression had set in pretty deep and it's very hard to be creative in that condition. I was in a downward spiral because the harder the writing became the more it felt out of reach and the less I felt like I would be able to contribute. Because of some insurance I had through work (not workman's comp) we're able to keep our heads above water, but in my view that is not contributing to this family through my own efforts. Maybe other people see it differently, but I don't. I have to do something that requires some effort or I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight.

Another thing going on at that time was a craft project I had started for Halloween, which is probably my favorite holiday. I love decorating and doing cool things so I wanted to try and make something since I had time on my hands. I bit off more than I could chew with that project though. I couldn't do much with my back hurting so much and that was actually making things worse. Plus, I could see that I may not be able to finish it in time and it would almost be a waste. I was putting too much pressure on myself and once again my creativity was faltering.
For the first time in my marriage my wife was working. She'd been a stay-at-home-mom before that and I was struggling with the fact that she was working so hard and coming home tired.

On top of all this, there was Workman's Comp telling me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I should be working. The lawyers we'd consulted with to this point were horrible. No one would listen to me and no one (the institutions that are supposed to help me) seemed to care.

All-in-all, I had convinced myself that I was pretty useless. It had become me against the world and I was getting my butt kicked in a serious way. Every positive thought I could possible have about my situation had been thrown at my adversary and each one failed to land solidly. I was on the ropes and going down for the count.

I'm not sure exactly how it started, but my wife came home from work one day and she could tell right away that I wasn't in a good mood so she tried her best to find out what was wrong. The only thing I wanted at that moment was to be alone. I didn't want to talk about it. What more was there to say? Trying her best to help me, my wife pressed me to tell her what was wrong. Like an animal trapped in a dead end canyon with hunters closing the gap, I exploded in anger. Anger at her, but most of all, anger at the entire world.

I yelled and said things I shouldn't. I actually told her to get out of the house because I didn't want her around anymore. I didn't want anyone around me anymore. I was so angry that she got scared and was afraid for her safety and that of our boys. My boys were in shock as they came home and found me yelling like a madman.

So my wife took the boys and started to head out the door and in a split second I saw my only hope for happiness leaving me. So I tried, like and idiot, to yell at her to get back in the house. I even grabbed her arm and tried to drag her back. She was terrified at this point and the only thing I could think to say was what I'd been wanting to do in the first place, "If you go, I'll kill myself!"

As she drove away she was calling our church friends for help and I walked into the house wondering why I did what I had. My actions were inexcusable and I take full responsibility for them. Having said that, I can see now how overwhelmed I was and how depressed I'd become.

Since then I've been in to see a counselor a few times and I want to go more, but Workman's Comp says I can't. My depression medication has been doubled. Even with all this and doing the best I can to think positively, I'm still depressed. I don't have the suicidal thoughts and in general I don't have very many negative thoughts, but where there was "me against the world" there is now "us against the world." No amount of positive thinking will make up for the heartache and trouble that Workman's Comp has caused me. No amount of positive thinking will change how screwed up the Workman's Comp and Social Security Disability systems have become. So much of my condition, how long it remains static, and any future treatment depends on what they decide to do. After seeing how dishonest and corrupt they are I don't have much hope.

My consolation is my family and right now it doesn't look like I'm going to lose them unless God/fate, or whatever belief you subscribe to, takes them away. I can only put my trust in God (that's what I believe in) and hope that he'll help me get through all of this even if it means losing everything I hold dear.

I can say that there are some people in the same boat as myself and their families fall apart. They don't get the support they need. The people around them think they're lazy and no good. It's a very harsh and critical world and if you don't contribute economically to the family or society you're considered by most people as a scammer and a loafer because think it just can't be possible to feel that bad unless you have some major disease or you're paralyzed from the neck down. It is very unfair to those who are really suffering.