Daily Log #5 (Thankful)

I would like to thank everyone for the emails of support I've received these last few days. It has helped me put things into better perspective.

I started this blog so I could feel like I was doing something to contribute. By putting things on "paper" it helps ease the depression.

I would also like to say that I am taking Welbutrin for the depression and it has helped. I've been able to see a therapist, but now Workman's comp has denied further visits. So until my lawyer works that out this will be the place that I vent.

I am a blessed man. I have a wonderful wife and kids and right now we're able to survive better than most people in this situation. If it wasn't for the knowledge that my family and friends love me, my church supports me, but most of all God will help me get through this, if not for these things I would have given up hope. So I keep going with this load of depression on my shoulders know that all of this pain and associated trials are for a reason.

Having said all that, I should point out that this blog focuses on the negative for a reason. I have to write all of these bad things so the person who reads can identify and maybe feel better knowing that someone else feels the same way. The other reason is for the family member or friend of someone who's suffering. I could gloss over things and make a joke of all this, but who does that serve? No one! I don't want any one's pity or sympathy. That is not my purpose. I simply have to be straight forward so that the truth can be known.


Right now as I type, pain is pulsing down my legs and my groin feels like I have a knife in it. This is because I'm writing late and I'm on the couch so my wife can sleep in bed. I can't sit up for very long without the pain going up a notch. So I'll try to keep this short.

I was once talking with a guy who was telling me about his divorce. He had no idea of my situation because I didn't feel the need to tell him so he spoke freely about his reasons for leaving his wife. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "So I heard you're getting a divorce?"
Him: "Yeah it just got too difficult to stay around."
Me: "I'm sorry to hear that. If it's okay to ask, why are you two splitting up?"
Him: "We were really good for each other once, but for the last few years she's been too hard to live with."
Me: "That sucks. You have any idea why things changed?"
Him: "Oh yeah! I know what changed! It's those damn pain pills she's been taking."
Me: "She get into an accident or something?"
Him: "I won't go into details. The main thing is that she constantly complains about being in pain and her mood swings all over the place. I just can't live like that."
Me: "Is there anything the doctors can do?"
Him: "Well they've tried a lot of things, but nothing seems to work. Honestly... I think it's all in her head. I mean, how else can you explain it?"
Me: "So who is staying with the kids then?"
Him: "I'm keeping the kids and the house. We both agreed that she should move out because her problems are too hard on our family."

I stayed and spoke with him for a while, but my view of him has a person changed drastically. My wife was there for this conversation and we kept looking at each other and thinking, "How can this guy be so heartless?" We said some things to try and help him see things from a different perspective, but it was too little too late.

I wrote that (it was very true, by the way) because it illustrates perfectly how little people can comprehend the pain and even more the side effects of pain medication. First of all it's hard to be a happy person all the time when you're in pain. The pain medication affects the body chemistry and can cause irritability for no rational reason. When your body is under that much stress it can be very difficult to process things that should be very easy to handle. Making decisions becomes harder because it adds to the stress.

From what I've been told, most people with chronic pain also suffer from anxiety problems. Think about it for a minute... You have pain that no one can explain or if they can they just can't fix it. The pain sometimes makes you feel like you're going to die or you want to just to get rid of it. You feel useless and to top it off your family says it's all in your head. Take all that on and tell me you won't feel anxiety!

Some people have forgotten the "In sickness" part of the vows because the sickness is too time consuming or inconvenient for them to worry about so to make matters worse for the suffering person they have to heap on a little more just for good measure. Besides being selfish, I think an even worse trait has surfaced in those that leave... Cowardice!!!


Well that's it for today. Once again thanks for the emails because I take them to heart and they become part of me.