Log #70 (Parenting In Pain)

Some people might say that parenting is a pain, but parenting with pain is a totally different story with totally different challenges. My chronic pain has changed my relationship with my children and in some ways it's been good and in other ways not so good.

No matter how long you're a parent or how many kids you have, you'll never be a perfect parent. A sad part of being a parent is--as you get older--you can look back and see mistakes you've made. I regret some of the things I've put my kids through as a father, but since I didn't know any better the only thing I can do about it is learn from it and try not to make those mistakes with my younger children.

Sometimes older children look at the way you treat their younger siblings and think that you're spoiling them or not disciplining them as much. In a lot of ways that is true because, as a parent, you are taking what you've learned and are now applying it to the younger ones. It really sucks that the older children end up being like crash test dummies and the younger ones get to drive the road tested car.

Even under these conditions we're still learning with the younger ones, after all, no two are exactly alike. Just to clarify my family dynamic... I have three children from a prior marriage and they are now grown and live away from home. I was married at the age of 17 just a few months before my oldest was born. At the age of 22 I found myself divorced with two additional children to take care of. Being a kid--who thought he was a man--married to a girl who was not yet a woman was a recipe for disaster. Neither of us knew who we were, what we were capable of, or what we really wanted out of life. When we divorced I had full custody of my three oldest. I was a kid raising kids and making tons of mistakes.

My two younger children came after I remarried almost nine years later so the younger two have benefited from a lot of growing up on my part.

Having chronic pain has taught me a different aspect of being a parent and it's revealed a general flaw in my earlier approach. I used to think that being a good father meant that I did fun things with my kids like go to amusement parks, museums, science exhibits, sporting events, or out appreciating nature. When I had free time on a weekend I was always trying to load everyone up in the car to go somewhere. While this is a very valuable part of parenting because it teaches kids to value the world around them, I assumed that doing those things would be enough to show them that I loved them.

It is hard to break old habits especially when you don't see that there is a problem with it. The real problem with the way I did things was that I didn't spend enough individual time with my children. With my older kids I instinctively started to seek more individual time with them as I saw some of the problems they were facing as teenagers, but it was too little too late. They were accustomed to working on their personal issues by themselves to some extent and my efforts to get closer made me look too controlling. They were not used to bringing me their personal problems so we could work on them together.

Now that I'm stuck at home, I see a very different side of my children's lives. Before, when I was going to college, working, or just doing my own thing to cope with life, I saw very little of what happened when I wasn't around. When I was around, the things we did together didn't show me what they were or what their problems were because we were too busy doing rather than talking.

These last few years, being at home all the time, especially during school breaks and summer time, I am with my two youngest 24/7 so I notice their moods more. I can see when something is wrong that we should talk about. Whereas before I wouldn't have noticed a thing. I talk with my younger children more when we are building a model together or when I'm helping them with school work. This change in my time getting to know them better may have completely changed my eleven-year-old's academic future, which would not have happened if I were still working.

My eleven-year-old has struggled in school since first grade and some of it may have been attributed to A.D.D., but now I think it wasn't that completely. Fifth grade was probably his worst year ever. Getting him to do homework was almost impossible and he would constantly let his mind wander. I know that we wasn't feeling like he was very intelligent and that made him give up easy on projects. Math was his absolute worst subject and getting him to do that was worse than camping out under a buffalo with diarrhea. I have to be honest that I was worried to the point of tears that he would not find a place in society when he was older.

Going into this last summer he was in danger of being held back because of his performance, particularly in math. I already knew that I was going to do things differently that summer. Instead of letting them have a vacation surrounding video games, friends, or hanging out at the swimming pool, I decided that things had to be done differently or he would not make it through the first few months of sixth grade. I was determined it wouldn't be another mindless summer where he forgot everything he'd learned the year before and spend the whole year trying to catch up.

I planned a lot of things and when push came to shove there wasn't enough time. I wanted to work on building model ships together so that I could explain some history and engineering ideas. I wanted to get them familiar with a different language. There would be time spent reading. We would do some art projects so I could teach them things about drawing. The most important thing was to get a fifth grade level math book and have my son do math all summer.

We spent a lot of time doing math. Sometimes a couple of hours a day because he was so slow at it. What started out as a potential nightmare slowly evolved into something else. As I spent time with him doing the math (or any of the other projects) we talked about what he was doing and how it applied to the real world. When he faced a problem in math that he had a hard time with I would explain different ways for him to remember the steps to problem solving. I never did any of his problems for him and when I found a mistake I would ask questions about what he did until he could see for himself, without me telling him, what he'd done wrong.

As the summer passed he gained confidence in himself and his mistakes became fewer and fewer. I think the thing that made the most difference was that I always demonstrated full confidence in his ability to do the work and when he did something wrong I made it process of discovery instead of ridicule. Being there with him every day, I learned what he responded to and what he didn't. I learned a lot about building his confidence.

This year we have seen a complete change in him and never once have we had a problem with him and his homework. He went from almost being held back last year to being an honor student this year. His worst subject last year that he absolutely hated was math and this year his best subject that he says he now loves is math. He doesn't feel dumb anymore!!!

None of this would have happened if I were still able to work. I really hate not being able to do the fun things we once did, but when I see these positive changes in my youngest boys, I think what I have is better now. I miss my career and working every day. I miss it like crazy. I hate the pain I'm in and never having a break. If these trials I face leaving stranded at home and in agony yet it brings out the best in my sons then it's worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. My pain and inability to work has led to me spending time with my sons and that time has changed their lives in a good way. I know they miss the outings, but when it comes down to it, they are much happier and more confident in themselves without them.



PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!! If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!