Log #104 (Restless)

The most difficult thing for me right now, besides the pain, is still a lack of sleep.  I am reluctant to take anything on a nightly basis for sleep because I don't want my mind and body to build up a dependency.  I'm in a weird situation in this regard because it isn't enough to just take sleeping pills.  I still have pain to manage and it's hard to find a comfortable position to sleep in for any length of time.

The lack of sleep increases my problems with RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome).  Usually my RLS kicks up right as I start to fall asleep, but when I have less sleep the RLS can be a problem all day long.

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Log #103 (Golden Nuggets)

I received a couple of comments, golden nuggets if you will, on my blog this last week that I'd like to talk about tonight.  I would also like to say thank you for those comments in the process.

One of the comments was made by Anna, who is one of this blog's followers.  She suffers from chronic pain associated with her back as well and she has a blog of her own, which is similar to mine except it's much brighter.  I try to help people see how difficult it is to have chronic pain while she offers remedies.
Here is a link to her blog: http://365painfreedays.blogspot.com/

I like her comments because she is a very positive person and her blog reflects that.  She likes to suggest ways of managing pain (without medications) that are very helpful and it is a good place to find common sense information for dealing with chronic pain.

Another comment was made by Linda who suggested that using creative outlets helps to keep your mind off of your pain.  I agree with that statement 100% and I'm glad she brought it up. 

For me, this blog has been a creative outlet that has helped me deal with my pain as well as my depression.  Most of the time, the only outlet I had to get away from my problems was to write something here.  Writing has always been therapeutic for me and it's something I love to do.  In fact, I'm also in the process of writing a novel that I hope to have finished by the end of the year.  I like to do drawings when I can too.

I kind of got away from working on those projects in the months just before and after my surgery.  The medications were slowing me down so much that creatively I was having a difficult time concentrating them, but now that I've stopped taking the pain medications I've started getting back to those things.

Anything positive you can do that will give you an escape from pain is a good thing.  I honestly believe that when you focus on your pain it always gets worse.  When I was going through the withdrawals I found it helpful to listen to music (sometimes all night long) or watch a funny movie.  Laughter does a lot to relieve pain.

Thanks again for sharing your golden nuggets of insight and support!!!

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #102 (Strange Trade Off)

This is one of those days where I can't think of anything to write.  It was a good day in a lot of ways, even though I had pain to deal with.  There was a bunch of things going on today so I didn't think much about what I should write about.

I feel things regarding my pain that I wasn't feeling while taking the medication.  I have a lot more tingling in my legs and the sciatica seems to bother me more.  The crazy thing is that being clear headed and feeling more pain has reduced the frequency in which I have depression.  My moods are easier to control now so there is a positive trade off to not taking so much pain medication.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #101 (Your Support)

Being a blog about Chronic Pain, in whatever form, I have to make sure that I don't stray too far from the topic at hand.  That means that I have to limit some of the things I'd like to say in favor of things I should say.

Tonight I'll do a little of both...

First off, I want to let everyone know how much I appreciate your prayers and concern.  It means a lot more to me than most of you will know.  I honestly believe that your prayers on my behalf have helped me through so much of this already.  I know that what I write makes some people feel really sad and concerned about me, but I want to assure you that no matter what I may face I will always find a way through it.  Yes, I get depressed sometimes, but given my circumstances I think I'm entitled.  However, please don't think that my life is horrible because of what I write here.  It is just the nature of my topic that makes it sound really bad.

Secondly, what I write here is by no means a judgement of anyone else and how they deal with their pain.  I will never look down upon someone for how they manage their pain.  I have made a personal choice about pain medications.  That choice doesn't apply to everyone.  I am still learning about myself and my limitations and I expect that to be a life long process.  For those who choose to manage their pain with medications, I will still say that you shouldn't let anyone tell you to do otherwise.  It is your pain and you know it better than anyone else, and while your family and friends are concerned about you, it is still up to you to decide what will bring you the best quality of life.

Lastly, I have to point out that no matter what ailment you have, I hope you will take the time to study about the things you put in your body.  In this last year, there have been some celebrities that have passed away because of prescription drugs mixed with over-the-counter drugs.  We should all learn from their mistakes.  Just because a doctor gives you something to take everyday doesn't mean it will mix well with everything else you might be taking at any given time.  Just be careful.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #100 (Determination)

I went to church today and stayed for the whole thing.  I wasn't because I felt any better, in fact, it was quite difficult to stay past the first 15 minutes.  There is no getting around the pain no matter how many cushions I take with me to sit on.  The thing I kept telling myself is, "hold on for five more minutes," and when that passed I told myself to hold on longer.

The other thing that makes all this significant is that I haven't taken anything for my pain since Friday.  I've even pushed myself not to take anything for sleep these last few nights.  I am nursing some allergies or a cold (don't know which) and I'm congested with a lot of drainage into my lungs so I'm taking cough syrup and daytime medicine.  I'm so sick of taking any medication at all, but sometimes it's just necessary.

Adding everything together I'm probably in more pain than I've been in since the withdrawals, but somehow it seems to be more tolerable because I'm determined to not let it beat me.  I am ready for a break though.  I guess I'll see how it goes.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #99 (Semper Fi)

Learning to live with pain without using pain medication is an interesting experience.  It's kind of like Marine Corps Boot Camp, which I went through years ago.  In a way, I think that early experience prepared me for this one.  One thing I learned above all others from boot camp was mental toughness; that no matter the odds if I push myself I can go further than I thought possible.  I learned that if I willed myself to go one more step or run one more mile, I could.

At first, all I wanted was relief from the pain.  Mentally I wasn't pushing myself one more step or mile when it came to pain and I started paying a price for being lazy.  Now I've set my mind in a new direction and I am determined to live with the pain.  Maybe even embrace it.  I'll use medical MJ when it gets to be too much to handle or when I've pushed myself long enough to where I just need a break.

My Grandfather was in the Marine Corps as well--volunteered to go and fight for his country in WWII.  He went into battle knowing he might die and he did.  If I take the easy way out with my pain then maybe I'm not living up to the type of courage he had.  I won't be able to do a lot of things physically that I once did, but I will at least have the faculties of my mind.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #98 (Go Go Go)

It seems like we've been busy non-stop for the last few days.  Between my son's birthday stuff and baseball games there has been little time to rest.

One interesting thing that my back doctor said when I visited him Thursday was that for the first little while after ending the pain pills my back should hurt more because I have more pain receptors--at least for the next few weeks while my body works it's way back to normal.


PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #97 (So Little Time)

Last night was the first night since I started this blog where I actually missed an entry!!

Today won't be much better.  It is my son's birthday today (turning 12) and we have a lot planned.  The good part is that I won't have to do much physical activity for it, but the bad part is that we may not get done until really late.

I have an appointment with my back doctor today and I don't know what there really is to say.  My back is no better than it was before the surgery and even before I stopped taking all of the pain pills it felt worse than before.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #96 (No Fun)

Man my sciatica hurts!!!

Now that there is no pain medication in my system I feel the full force of pain.  Even more than yesterday.  I still went to the gym though and I still did some laundry.  It's a battle between my will and my flesh.  If I think there is the slightest chance that I will have to drive during the day then I can't use MJ (the kind that doesn't make me tired) so that means pushing myself until it's time for me to go to bed.

I slept fairly well last night after using the MJ that makes me tired and it really knocks out the pain.  I need to find some schedule for doing things so I don't have to wait until bed to use MJ.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #95 (Full Brunt)

From the moment I woke up this morning until now, my sciatica has been exploding up and down mt legs.  The kind of pain that makes me want to scream, but there is nothing I can do about it right now.  No matter what position I get myself into, it still hurts too much.  After the kids get in bed I'll use the MJ for the pain. 

For me to have any chance for sleep, I have to lay the massage pad on the couch and get whatever sleep I can with the heat and vibration going all night.  To help with the withdrawals I have some kind of blood pressure patch on my arm, which lowers my blood pressure and does something else as well to help.  I have to take Lyrica (again) and Clonipin.  The Lyrica is supposed to help with the nerve pains and the Clonipin to keep me from stressing out when the pain gets too bad.

I've been using the medical MJ for the last few days for my back pain and it has worked really well.  I bought some of the other type that doesn't make me so tired and I can use that during the day.  The problem is using it at the right times.  There are a lot of things I can't do once I use it; driving being one of those.  Tonight my wife had to work and I had to drive the boys to a little league game so there was no way I could use MJ all day therefore the pain is driving me nuts.

Good night!

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #94 (Strength and Honor)

Four walls of yellow-gray travertine stone encase me within a cell of pain.  Black iron bars separate the injured man I am from the robust and invincible man I once was.  A flickering torch in the hallway outside breaths wisps of smoke that fills the air with aching fatigue.  The ceiling and walls are covered in the thick black soot of medications that have stained my mind.  My bare skin glistens in the sweat of withdrawals and my only raiment is the blue canvas subligaculum of faith that covers my loins.

The ground vibrates from the chanting crowds outside while the dust dances across the cell floor as if upon the surface of a drum.  The feet of the frenzied hoard beats against the coliseum stone beckoning the death match to begin.  Whomp Whomp Whomp

Some of the spectators have come to cheer on the hero while others anticipate for his overthrow.  Family and friends pray to the Gods that the hero will be victorious while the lawyers and insurance dealers have placed heavy bets against him.

"Come on you dirty scum!" Yells society as it unlocks the cell doors, "It's time."

Weakly I get upon my feet; my scars and pains impede my rise.  One battle after another has left me worn and weary, but the crowd lusts for my blood to be spilt so there will be one less drain on the economy.

Blinding spear-like rays of light strike my eyes as the doors to the arena floor is swung open and a flash flood of deafening noise sweeps in behind.  My pupils adjusts to the sun burning sparkles of dust swirling in the air leading through the doorway as a sword of determination is placed into one hand while a shield of fortitude is placed into the other.

The enemy stands as a twisted and grotesque formidable mass of governments and institutions; it's only desire is to swallow me whole and spit my bones out into the heap of lost and forgotten souls.  This hideous beast has consumed many and only few have survived.

With every ounce of strength and courage I possess I walk out onto the blood stained battle ground as the crowed loses all sanity in noise and confusion.  When the empress drops her red banner the fight will begin.

I will fight on against my pain.  My weary body will be bruised and ripped to shreds, but I will not fall nor will I give up.  Strength and honor is my code.

I am... Gladiator

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #93 (Getting Through)

This was a very busy day and I had to do it on very little sleep.  Between two little league games we had a lot of places to go.  The Clonipin and Lyrica that the doctor said I should take until the withdrawals are gone leave me feeling and walking like a drunk guy.  I am hoping there will only be another day or two of the problems.

I'll write more tomorrow evening.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #92 (Worn Out)

I'm a little worn out today.  Both physically and mentally.  Sleeping at night is still a big problem and fatigue all day makes getting through things a little difficult.  The medication the doctor told me to take to fight the withdrawals doesn't do a whole bunch for the pain (some, but not a lot), but it sure makes me really tired though.  You'll have to give me another couple of days before I can write longer blogs.  I've got to get the Norco out of my system now so please bare with me.  This is a very painful and tiring process.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #91 (Cold Turkey)

As much as it may hurt, I've decided to stop taking the Norco as well.  That is the last opiate pill I'm taking and it's not doing me any good to keep going with it.  Pain is pain, no matter the source and if these pills aren't doing what they should then I need to get rid of them.

I went into the Pain Management Doctor today (I really like this guy) and we talked about all of the withdrawal problems and he gave me some prescriptions to take in the short term to help get through the rest of this.  When I stop the Norco I'll be going through hell again, but at least I'll have something to help me get through it.

The other thing he did while I was there was to inject the Genital Femoral Nerve (in my groin) with something to numb it.  This was to see if that nerve is what has been troubling me for the last couple of years.  The injection made it feel a lot better so that means he has to do some other treatments in that nerve to give me more lasting relief.  He said there is no way to fix it and that I'll have to get repeated treatments.  The pain may not go away 100%, but it will be much better than it is now.

I didn't sleep well last night because of fatigue and pain so I'm going to fore go finding pictures/comics for this entry.  I'm way too tired right now.

Good night and may the force be with you!!

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #90 (Held Hostage)

One of the biggest things I've learned in the past few weeks is that it's far too easy to allow ourselves to be held hostage by the medications we take.  No one wants to feel bad and I don't blame anyone for seeking solutions to their medical problems.  What most of us don't do (myself included before now) is really study about the medications we take and the interactions they have with each other or our bodies.

It's too easy to trust doctors because we all know what grueling education they had to go through to get where they are, but they are still human and fallible.  Besides, how much of their education is driven by pharmaceutical companies who promise solutions while their eyes are glued to the value of their shares on the stock market?

There are a lot of medications out there that really work for various kinds of ailments, but when a doctor has three appointments booked for the same time so he can get more money from the insurance company do you really think he wants to stand there for 30 minutes trying to get to the real root of your problem?  No!  He tries to remember which drug will work best for your SYMPTOMS and then get you out of the office so he can get to the next patient.  I know that not ALL doctors are this way, but there are far more than you or I would want to believe.

Too many times these days you will hear stories where someone diagnosed themselves correctly by searching their symptoms on the Internet and yet the doctors they'd been seeing for years couldn't get it right.  The reason is that the doctors aren't really listening to us.  "Here's a pill, get out of here and come back in a month."

My point is not to bash the medical industry or even the way it's run; my point is that we have a flood of information available to us and we need to take some responsibility for our own lives.  I, for one, do not want to find myself strung out on pain medication ten years from now without any resemblance to the man I once was.  I will use the God given freedom I have to see that I get the absolute best medical care/treatment I can get without blindly giving my trust and my life to some doctor.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #89 (Broken Record)

Sometimes when someone breaks a record it is a good thing.  If I had more number one songs than any other artist in history or if I threw more touchdown passes than any other quarterback in history.  On the other hand, a broken record can refer to something being repeated over and over again.

Unfortunately, tonight it's the later.  No, I didn't get two good nights of sleep in a row.  Yesterday was particularly cold at the little league games and maybe that had something to do with me being in more pain last night.  It was the fibromyalgia type pain where I feel like I have really bad flu and I hurt all over.  Today was cold as well and I felt pretty much the same way so tonight may not be good either.

The other possibility is that I'm still dealing withdrawals.  Not from Oxycontin, although that may still be lingering, rather it's a result of Norco.  Now that I've stopped the Oxycontin the Norco is picking up the duty to relieve my severe pain.  The problem is that I don't want to take that stuff either until I absolutely have to, which means that when the Norco wears off my body is expecting more but I'm not giving in.  Before surgery the Norco was losing it's effectiveness and in a way I'm trying to force it into working the way it used to, but that probably won't work.  I'll work my way off of the Norco too if I have to.  I don't want these pills controlling how I feel in a negative way.

I hate the pain that I'm in and it's getting worse each time I cut back, but as long as I experience what feels like withdrawals I can't blame it on fibromyalgia until I am 100% certain that it really is.  I'm pushing myself back to square one.   When I am no longer taking pain meds and they are completely out of my system then I'll reevaluate the possibility of fibromyalgia.  At that time I will fully investigate other methods for relieving pain that are not damaging to my body or a lot less so.

Until that time I'm going to have to endure a lot!  It's better to know for sure what is going on inside my body.  This is the true trial of chronic pain sufferers...  The quest for relief while having a standard of life that is still fulfilling and meaningful without being drugged out.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #88 (Finally!!)

Without the aid of any medications to help me sleep, I finally had a decent night of sleep.  It was mostly my body giving up after taking too much sleep deprivation. 

I have a massage pad that I got last year for my birthday (or Christmas.  I can't remember which) that is body length.  It vibrates and heats my body from my shoulders to my calf muscles so I put that on the couch, took my pillows and blanket, and topped off my endeavor with a soothing selection of music on my iPod.  For the next nine ours I slept on and off with the vibration going full blast beneath me.  I ended up with a little less than eight hours of sleep.

I had more energy today than I've had in a very long time and never hit a brick wall of tiredness all day.  The down side is that I did too much with the energy I had and now my back and groin is killing me.  Right now I can't complain about the pain because I'm so glad that I got some sleep.

The test comes tonight to see if I've made it past the last of the withdrawals from Oxycontin.  Maybe last night was an fluke because I was too exhausted or it was the start of getting more sleep each night.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #87 (Not a Chance)

Right now it seems like nothing I do will allow me to sleep.  It's like I've forgotten how to do it.  Even if the Norco takes down the pain for a while, I still can't fall asleep.  I don't allow myself a nap and I'm so tired I feel like I'll die at any second; still sleep eludes me.  I need sleep!!!  Sorry I can't write more.

Taking Oxycontin has been the worst thing I've done when it comes to pain control--by far!

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #86 (Busy Day)

This has been a long day with a little league game starting at 8:00am this morning and ending with us getting home just now at 11:00pm after taking my wife out for a Mother's Day dinner (tomorrow night she works).  Between the two games we had today I mostly tried to sleep, which still isn't coming easily.  Most of the other withdrawal symptoms from the Oxycontin are gone now except for the insomnia and the fatigue I have from being so tired.  Every night I hope and pray for more than just a couple of hours of sleep.  Maybe it will finally happen tonight.

I want to get up early (sleep or not) to supervise the making of breakfast for my wife so I'm heading to bed.

Other than that... Just a lot of pain to deal with amidst everything else.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #85 (Fatigue and More Fatigue)

It seems like my body clock is all out of whack. It sucks!

I sleep in two hour intervals before the fatigue kicks up in my muscles or I just wake up for no reason. I don't have sleep apnea so it isn't anything like that. Anyway, I wake up and then can't go back to sleep for a few hours no mater how tired I am.

Yesterday I didn't let myself sleep at all during the day hoping that I would be exhausted by the evening and fall asleep really fast, but it didn't work. The more tired I am, the more fatigue I have, and the less I sleep. One of the reasons I'm writing early today is because I know for sure that I'll be too dead tired to write later on.

I'm "hitting a brick wall" right now and all my energy is sapped, I can barely keep my eyes open, but my Restless Leg Syndrome is going nuts right now and there is no way I could sleep now if I wanted to. I was diagnosed with RLS about 8 or nine years ago and back then I only had problems with it in the late evenings, but with this Oxycontin thing happening my RLS started acting up anything I lay down and start to relax.

In any case, this is another short blog because I'm so tired and in so much pain.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!! If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #84 (No Sleeping Beauty)

If sleep makes people beautiful then I must be an ogre or a hideous creature like Freddy Krueger.

Without Oxycontin in my system, sleep will be hard to come by and from what I've read it make take a while for that to change. It isn't helping that I'm in so much more pain, but with sleep medication and Norco for pain I should be able to sleep better than I have been.

I'm very tired because of this and that makes it very hard to write a blog.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!

If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #83 (Crossroads)

I have to say that, in a way, I feel like I allowed myself to be short changed by the medical industry. Oxycontin changed things in me that I didn't notice. Like a frog thrown into a pot of cold water and then the heat is slowly raised with the frog not being able to feel death coming, I didn't see what the Oxycontin was slowly doing to me.

I have a lot more pain now, but my mind is starting to feel a little clearer. I have more feeling in my skin, muscles, and bones. This is both good and bad. I'm still taking the Norco when the pain gets way too intense so I'm still buzzed all day and my memory still sucks, but I'm not as "foggy" anymore. Right now, with the medication, I stepped back to where I was a year ago.

What is driving me crazy about the change is that I notice the numbness and tingling a lot more.

I'm thinking that I'll have to find a way to get off of the Norco as well eventually (probably sooner than later). I really hate the idea of taking all that stuff, but then there is the pain to deal with. I'm really bothered by the whole tolerance build up aspect of taking narcotics for pain. It just seems that there should be something better and I'm not sold on the whole medical MJ thing either. The MJ clouds the mind just as much, if not more, than the narcotics. Going down either road (MJ or Narcotics) doesn't seem like a good trade off for anything. There is less pain to deal with on one level, but the mind and body is altered enough that the patient is no longer their true self. They don't see it, but everyone around them does.

I'm not making a real judgement either way on anyone. It's just that I'm at a cross roads myself about all of this. I don't want to be in so much pain, but I can't live life on all of those pills. My family is the most important thing I have and I want to be around for a long time so I must search for something better or find a way to cope with my chronic pain.

I also stopped taking Lyrica for the simple reason that I could deal with my fibromyalgia without medications before I started taking Oxycontin. Time will tell, but I honestly believe that what I've been through in these last few months is a direct result of taking the Oxycontin--it intensified all of my problems as my body started building tolerance to it.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!! If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #82 (Repeating Myself)

Well, slowly but surely, I'm getting through the withdrawals. I'm not as tired and fatigued as I have been. I still had moments through the day, but nothing like a few days ago. As of now, it's been close to 91 hours since I took the last Oxycontin and mental need to take one is way down now.

I really need to make some things clear tonight that I think need to be said (repeated actually)...

I know that people haven't been reading this blog from the very beginning and it's unrealistic of me to expect someone to go back and read everything I've written thus far. That means that some things need repeating. I apologize to those who are already aware of what this blog is all about for having to hear this again. In a lot of ways, what I write tonight is directed to a select few and doesn't apply to all.

What I write here is nothing that I feel is too personal or sensitive. If I did, I wouldn't write it. Some people might disagree with me and that is well and good. I actually ask you to tell me as much in the comments. My point being that I don't write this blog to offend anyone.

People on this beautiful earth of ours suffer from so many different things and in most cases they do it silently. The world doesn't know about it because these people aren't out in public--it's way too painful for them to do so. Chronic pain, no matter the source, is not a beautiful/wonderful thing and for me to use this public forum to color coat things doesn't do justice to this problem.

I must write about pain, about drugs, family relations, and everything associated with what I'm going through or this becomes another fluffy--feel good--blog. Some may not like hearing what I have to say, but that's too bad. I'm not writing to make you feel good about yourself, nor to feel bad about yourself, I just want to open eyes.

I write frankly about the drugs I take because, believe it or not, the drugs are almost as big a part of a sufferer's life as the pain is. Regardless of how you view pain medication (including medical MJ) people are in agony and for you to sit on a high horse looking down on them for seeking relief then you are close minded and (to be totally honest) heartless. Chances are you are also a hypocrite because if the tables were turned your whole attitude would take a 180 degree turn.

I am going to find a way through all of this. I don't want to die young or have a poor quality of life. I understand more than most of you what these different medications do to a person, because I'm living with it and studying it as I go along. I will seek ALL avenues available to me within the law to find the best way to overcome or deal with this pain whether you like it or not. It is my life and my pain that I'm writing about and, unfortunately, my life mirrors hundreds of thousands of other people's. This is a quest for relief--be it medical MJ or prayer--it doesn't matter so much as putting this out there for people to know what is happening to people like me all over the world to one degree or another. Come along for the ride if you wish, but feel free to get off the train any time you feel this is too sensitive or personal for you.

Without a voice to speak the truth on behalf of the down trodden, no matter how much it hurts, we would still be in the dark ages. The only "inquisition" I will face is when I stand before my God, not you.


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If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #81 (Staying The Course)

Unless a person has physically been through withdrawals they have no idea how difficult it is!

Getting two nights of sleep in a row was too much to ask for. The problem now is that the pain I really have from my low back and groin isn't being masked by the Oxycontin so while the withdrawals are slowly decreasing, my legitimate pain is increasing. I can actually tell how much the Oxycontin was helping, but irregardless of the benefits I am staying my course. The downside of Oxycontin is too much greater than the upside. I would rather suffer a great deal of pain than go back to that stuff.

On top of not sleeping, the loss of Oxycontin is giving me a great deal of nausea.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!! If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #80 (How Long?)

Depending on which source I read, withdrawals from Oxycontin can take anywhere from three days to a week. One problem I created for myself was that I tapered off too quickly and this has intensified everything, but what is done is done and I won't go back now.

Last night I had to rely on Ambien and some of my wife's (I know I shouldn't do it) anti-anxiety medication in order to finally get some sleep. I don't feel as bad as I did a few days ago, but it's still pretty bad. The body reacts in all these different ways and on different levels, but the worst thing is CONSTANT fatigue--painful and energy sapping fatigue. I took my last Oxycontin 40 hours ago and one way or another I will continue to beet this until it's done.

I won't use any medical MJ until this is over because I want to know for sure what my body is reacting to. This means that I'll have to suffer through a lot more pain in the mean time.

This experience has also helped me to reexamine my future a little bit as well. When this is over, and if I've had less trouble with fibromyalgia, then I'll be forced to believe that the pain medication has made my life LESS livable than it was before. I will also have to find new ways of dealing with the pain. I have experienced a decline in my standard of health over the last year and it was accelerated when I started using Oxycontin. That stuff is total crap!!!

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!! If you have similar experiences then please write them here. It may help someone else when you write your point of view. ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!

Log #79 (Almost There)

I'm still not getting much sleep; maybe another two or three hours last night.  Even though I don't feel as bad, I'm still totally drained of energy.  I'm constantly yawning, I'm nauseated, and I feel like I can't stay awake one more second, but even when I feel this way I don't sleep.  I hope this thing is almost over with.

Have a good night!


PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!