Log #109 (Living the Dream)

I've decided that I'll no longer make entries on the weekend.  For one, I need to break from writing and for another it will give me a fresh view of things when Monday comes.

When it comes to my pain, I view it very differently than I did just a short while ago.  Then, I viewed it as an enemy and something I needed to kill.  Every minute was a quest to find relief; to destroy it.  When I realized that I was having withdrawals in between doses and knowing at the same time that I was going to build up tolerance no matter what I did, I knew then that if I continued on the path I was on that I would probably not make it to my 60th birthday.  To me, it felt like a certainty that I wouldn't live that long.

I once had a dream where I saw my family gathered for a reunion.  It was for my 80th birthday and it was as real as any dream can be.  I also had a dream about the day I died at the age of 83.  It doesn't really matter if those dreams are true or not, what matters is that I have something to aspire to; something to live for.  Personally I've had enough dreams come true that I put some faith in them and I know when they have meaning and when they don't.  That being said, I could see that I wasn't going in the direction that would enable those things to come to pass.

I may have a lot of pain and not be able to function the way I would like.  I may not reach the goals I set for myself, but I am determined to face my trials in the correct frame of mind.  I'm positive that some days will be a lot worse than others and I'll deal with them as they come along, but all other times I can push myself to live with the pain and do what I can to live as normal a life as I possibly can.  An example of this is not letting the pain keep me from being healthy and going to the gym.  It hurts like hell and I have every excuse not to go.  No one would blame me if I didn't.  Yet, I do go and I feel like that 80th birthday is more obtainable than it has been for a long time.

PLEASE MAKE COMMENTS!!!!  If you have similar experiences then please write them here.  It may help someone else when you write your point of view.  ANY comment, question, or suggestion is appreciated!!!