Log #48 (No Change)

I'll tell you honestly that I really don't like writing about my pain every day. It's actually kind of hard to do this because I really don't like to burden other people with my problems and I find it hard to say something new. When it boils down to it, my over riding purpose isn't to find something new to write about. When my wife and I talked about me starting this blog it was show what I go through on a daily basis so people could see how difficult chronic pain is.

When you think about it, the fact that this goes on day after day with no change is the main reason why some people can't grasp what chronic pain does to people. This condition is BORING!! When my condition got to the point that I could no longer work or function on any level without pain the life that I once knew came to a screeching halt.

No Change has become my motto...

Person "A" walks up to me and asks, "Any changes in your condition?"
I say, "There's been No Change."

Person "B" says, "Have the doctors found the problem yet?"
I respond, "No Change in my diagnosis."

Person "C" comments, "Did the surgery help fix your pain?"
I reply, "No Change in my pain."

Person "D" calls on the phone and enquires, "Anything Interesting today?"
I mumble an answer, "No Change here."

Log #47 (Hiccups)

HICCUPS ARE SOOOOOO FRICKEN ANNOYING!!!!!

I didn't get much sleep last night because of hiccups. Of all the things I have to go through on a daily basis and with it being so hard to get sleep, it sucks to miss a night of sleep for such a thing. One of the problems I have when I get constipation (just about all of the time now) is that I get a bloated feeling if I don't go to the bathroom for a while. When I let it get to that point my large intestine starts putting pressure on my stomach, which makes me feel full.

On the plus side I don't eat that much, but on the negative side I feel uncomfortable and when night time rolls around I'll get the hiccups if I'm not sleeping in a good position for my stomach. Most of the time I'll have a few hiccups, I'll change my position to relieve the pressure, and I'll go back to sleep without any more hiccups. Sometimes however, the hiccups don't go away very easy.

Last week I managed to torture my digestive system--mainly because of laziness. First off, I'm getting a little lactose intolerant and whenever I eat dairy products I take some generic enzyme product that helps my body digest it easier and without discomfort. We had some Subway sandwiches with cheese on them at the my boy's baseball game last Thursday and I didn't take the enzyme tablets. My wife and I had date night on Friday night and my food had cheese in it; I didn't take the enzyme tablet. Two baseball games on Saturday and had pizza while we were there; no enzyme tablet.

Besides that, I wasn't taking my fiber the way I should and I went a few days last week without doing an enema. I hate enemas and that is pretty much the only way I can go. Needless to say, by the time yesterday rolled around I was pretty backed up, even after taking laxatives for three days straight. In that time I was able to go a little bit, but not enough.

Last night around 2:00am the hiccups started. I held my breath... Nothing. I drank a full glass of water as fast as I could... Nothing. I took a deep breath, held it, and gulped down a full glass of water... Nothing. By this time I was really feeling full with two full glasses of water and being backed up at the same time. This whole time I was either in the kitchen or on the front room couch so I wouldn't keep my wife awake. I gave it a break for about 45 minutes and laid down on the couch, in the dark, and kept myself awake with continual hiccups--occasionally rushing to the bathroom to pee like an elephant. Lastly, I gulped down another glass, laid on the couch, stretched out as much as I could, and held my breath. This time the hiccups went away and I went back to bed. To make all of this more difficult to deal with, I'd taken an Ambian before going to bed so I was--still am as I'm writing this--feeling like a zombie.


How To Cure the Hiccups
Uploaded by Howcast. - More college and campus videos.

Some time around 4:30 when my wife got up for work and I got up to go pee again. As I rolled over and started to sit up, there was pressure on my stomach because I wasn't straight up yet, I gave a little burp while in this position, and WHAMO! HICCUPS AGAIN! I did everything I could to no avail and sometime around 6:30am... Two hours later! I finally got the hiccups to stop and eventually fell asleep for about 20 minutes before I got up to get my boy's out the door on their way to school. I slept off and on until about 9:30am and gave up because my back was so sore from all the hiccups and moving around that it was useless to try sleeping any longer.

My back was killing me all day and I never got the chance to get any more sleep because there were baseball uniforms that needed to be washed and dried in time for this evening's baseball games. Plus I had to use the time I had to do enema after enema until my system was finally flushed and I felt like a normal person again.

Later, when we got to the baseball game we were able to park pretty close to the field, but the damage had already been done and the act a walking--taking a single step--was almost unbearable. It has been like this all evening and no matter what I do with pain medication it doesn't go away. There is only so much pain medication I can take without killing myself so it's just a matter of getting through this until it all settles down again. Right now, as I'm finishing this blog entry, it is about 1:00am and I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep because I'm still in so much pain, even though I've had so little sleep.

Log #46 (Methadone)

Early this evening I had the opportunity to chat with a friend that I've known since Junior High School--possibly longer than that. Like many people these days, we were able to reconnect through Facebook and, like most people, she didn't say anything about having physical problems. I don't know if it's a product of the society that we live in or if it's just human nature, but people won't tell you about their problems unless they feel compelled to do so.

How many times each day do you open a conversation with, "Hello! How are you?" Over 90% of the time the response will be, "I'm good. How are you?"

Most of us ask, but it's not a genuine concern. I think that sort of thing should be dropped from our greetings unless we really want to know how that person is. Along with that thought, if someone asks how we are we should have the guts to tell the truth. This society would be much more compassionate and sympathetic if people would say how they honestly feel. We would definitely feel better about ourselves in knowing that ours is not the only imperfect life.

Now that I've said that I can get back to my original thought for the evening. This friend that I chatted with earlier had sent me a message on Facebook to express her well wishes before I went into my fusion surgery. As it turns out, she has had the same surgery that I did and she was able to share with me what her experience was like. I really feel for her and I can honestly say that her physical situation is much worse than mine and she is probably in much more pain, which is why my prayers go out to her. I know how much pain I am in and to think that she is in even more pain is a very sobering thought.

She gave me permission to share our chat with you this evening. I think it says a lot about doctors, how they prescribe medications, and how they will leave out important information you really need to know simply because they want to treat you in the manner they feel is best without the patient being able to make it more work for them...

6:32pm LeAnn

I went and got the epidural a couple weeks ago and the doctor told me I couldn't be on the Methadone anymore because it's causing heart failure.. it has been a ruff couple weeks
How are you doing??

6:33pm Pat
That sucks!! I'm doing about the same. What are you going to take instead?

6:36pm LeAnn
he has had me on Morphine, started at 30mgs 2 x day for a week and then upped me to 60 mgs a day for the past week.. I have been so darn miserable, headache,sick stomach,ect... I went in today and he put me on ocycontin 40 mgs morning and night... he thought about the patches and was about to write me for them but the adhesive doesn't stick to my skin so went this way instead...

6:38pm Pat
I take 60mg of Oxycontin a day. 20mg 3x. Morphine is a little hard to take at first.
Did he explain why the methadone was causing heart failure? Is it reversible now that you've stopped taking it?

6:41pm LeAnn
it's not reversible but hopefully wont get any worse... Anything over 100 mgs a day can cause heart damage.. I am one of the lucky ones... NOT... also the length of time that I have been on it 6yrs has something to do with it...
right before my surgery I was on 240mgs for about 2 yrs, and just barely on 120 mgs

6:43pm Pat
Gee!! They should have told you that was possible. How much damage has it done?

6:43pm LeAnn
I have never been able to do the morphine, I was in ICU for 3 days after my last surgery because the had me on the morphine drip...

6:44pm Pat
Morphine was the only thing that took away my pain after surgery.

6:44pm LeAnn
he didn't say really other than when he was getting ready to do the epidural he started saying" i knew this was going be the case... you have to get off it immediately...
I go see my regular doctor on the 31st so will talk to him more about it then..

6:47pm Pat
let me know for sure. My prayers are with you. Just pray that the damage is very minor.

Sometimes it's hard to believe the doctors really have our best interest in mind. They are kind of like the crooked car mechanic that breaks something on purpose while he's fixing another just so you'll have to bring the car back in. They cycle goes round and round while you lose money and he makes it; only with doctors it is your health and life at stake and not some power lock switch.

Here are some links to information about Methadone:
Drugs.com
Methadone--User Reviews

Log #45 (Knives)

Oh, how fun a good dose of pain can be!

I, for once, was sleeping at 4:00am so I didn't take a tablet of Oxycontin. I usually get up when my wife gets up for work and take one then. I am supposed to take one every eight hours and the schedule I'm on seems to work best for me so when I miss one I go without until the scheduled time for the next one. Since I went without one tablet today, I experienced a little rise in pain and managed it okay.

That was until about 5:00pm when I went outside and helped my son take apart the old mailbox so we could throw it away. It was a ten or fifteen minute job while I sat in a chair and stooped over to the ground undoing screws. In that sort amount of time, whatever it is that causes my knife-stabbing groin pain, caused it to flare up and within those few minutes my pain level went way up. I took a Norco tablet and got into a hot bath. Even with those two, the pain is tremendous.

There is nothing to describe what it is really like to live with pain twenty four hours a day with no end in sight. This is not, "Oh, I strained a muscle," nor is it, "Oh, I have a bruise." It isn't even like, "Ow, I had teeth pulled." The reason is that with all of those you can have some comfort when you think that it will all feel better soon.

Pain can be like an annoying family member that comes to visit you. You smile and tolerate their crap. You even pretend like you don't mind their visit, but all the while you keep glancing at the clock knowing that in a few hours they'll take their crap and head out the front door. Chronic pain is having that annoying bastard move in, take over your room, eat all of your food, run up all your utility bills, and take control of the TV remote. They even snore like grunting pigs all night so you can't sleep on the already uncomfortable floor.

Log #44 (A walk to the Park)

Two nights in a row with almost no sleep takes its toll. Last night I'd written about my run in with fibromyalgia the night before. I'd also told you that the effects take a few days to ware off. Well, last night it was still bad enough that I couldn't completely fall asleep, but not so bad that I felt absolutely horrible so I was in a limbo state all night.

One of the ways that my body reacts to no sleep is constipation, which only adds to the overall constipation I have anyways because of the pain pills. Irritable bowel and constipation can be brought on by fibromyalgia too so basically I'm getting hit with a triple whammy. So I had to deal with total stomach discomfort all day.

We had two baseball games to go to today. My eight-year-old had a game at noon and my eleven-year-old had a game at 4:45 so there was a lot of moving around to do. My wife's day was even more busy because it was picture day for the teams and she had to take them to the fields earlier in the day.

Sitting at the games is painful enough even with the extra padding I put on my chair, but the worst part is the walk from the car to where we set up our chairs. I would estimate that we parked about 100 yards (The length of a football field) away. I swear, by the time we get to our place by the bleachers I feel like I can't walk another step. After that, I have to sit at the game all pumped up on pain pills and even though I'm in that state--you'd think I wouldn't be able to feel anything--the walk back to the car is even worse.

Most of that could be remedied if they would put in some handicap parking. This is city owned property and they KNOW that there are hundreds of people there every day for games and you would think that they could have at least guessed that there might be a few people who would need handicapped parking. It has to be even worse for someone in a wheelchair because there is no where to unload one. There are places where a person in a wheelchair would have to wheel across deep grass just to get up to the bleachers.

I am making a point to call whoever I need to at the City Offices and kindly request that they do something about this now. If they ignore the request then I'll get a lawyer and play hardball.

Log #43 (Morning Surprise)

I am now in my second week of taking Lyrica for fibromyalgia and over all I've felt better. My anxiety is lower and I fall asleep a little easier, not that I sleep any better, I just fall asleep easier.

This is a fine and dandy, but sometimes medication is not enough to stop the pain from coming on. Call it an episode or attack or whatever, but when it's going full bore it feels like it will last forever. When I'm caught in it's grasp every second is too long to be trapped. As I read and learn more about this syndrome I realize that I have had this for quite some time and didn't know that the things I was feeling and experiencing had a name. My symptoms were sporadic and not as strong back then so I associated them with other things, but now I'm able to see them in hindsight and see it for what it is.
A good web site for Fibromyalgia information

In my case, somewhere close to 3:00am seems to be the magical time. Maybe it has something to do with my sleep cycle or serotonin levels at that time of night, but I can safely say that when I feel the symptoms of fibromyalgia at their worst it is usually close to that time in the morning. When it comes on I'm usually in a half awake/asleep state and I feel a general discomfort that isn't bad enough to wake me up completely. In the same way that an Iron heats up when turned on; it starts out slow but as each second passes it becomes twice as hot as the second before.

By 4:00am it's horrible pain and there is no way for me to get comfortable. As timing would have it, I usually have to get up at 4:00am and take one Oxycontin, so I did. I usually take the Lyrica at 8:00am, but this morning I figured taking it a little early might help, so I did. I only take Norco when my pain level is over 7 and I was at 9, so I did. Norco kicks in faster if you break it in half before you swallow it, so I did.

With all three in my system, it was just a matter of keeping my mind calm in knowing that soon the pills would have their effect and I would feel better. After about 15 minutes my pain level was down to somewhere between 7 and 8, which is enough for me to start thinking of other things besides pain. My pain level didn't get down to a point where I could fall asleep again until 7:10am and at 7:20am my alarm went off so I could make sure my boys were ready for school. I was finally able to got to sleep once again around 8:00am.

What a fun way to spend a morning!!

Once one of these attacks/episodes comes on it takes me a day or two for my system to calm down enough to where the only pain I have to deal with revolves around my low back and groin. Here it is, late in the evening and somewhere around 20 hours after the onset and my body still aches and my head still feels like its wrapped in a tight turban.

Log #42 (Lego Conspiracy)

I resumed my project of sorting my kid's Legos so it's easier for them to find what they need and to keep their room clean in the process.  I think there is some kind of Lego conspiracy.  You buy one small box of Legos for a birthday or a couple for Christmas.  One year, two years, three years, and the next thing you know every corner of the house has a Lego in it.  They multiply in the middle of the night when everyone is asleep and they wander around until you turn the lights on.  I know this because I've stepped on them in the darkness of deep night.

After years of hard work and education, I've resorted to sitting on my bed sorting Legos.  Even this small task is difficult because I can't sit up for long so I have to lay back against the pillows for support and that makes the sorting awkward.  It's hard to believe that I could once run three miles in a little over eighteen minutes, squat with four hundred thirty pounds upon my shoulders, or play basketball all day without getting tired.  Yet, after an hour of sorting those tiney Legos, I need two pain pills in order to recover.

Tomorrow the sorting continues...

Log #41 (Roller Coaster)

Here we go!   Let's take a ride on The Chronic Pain Coaster.  A whirling, twirling, up and down ride through this man's cycles of persistant discomfort today.  Please keep your hands and feet inside.

Morning as broken and I've just finished the death defying ride of Sleep On, Sleep Off.  I'm a little light headed and have a headache with stinging eyes from from its tossing and turning motions.  Now I'm waiting in line for the Chronic Pain Coaster.  I'm staring at the ceiling overhead wondering if I should try Sleep On, Sleep Off again, but decide against it.

Before boarding, I strectch my legs and wiggle my toes and feet knowing that as soon I get on board they'll already be tired and stiff.  As I approach my seat I size up the ride before me by making an assesment of how my back and groin feels and it looks, on first inspection, that maybe it won't be too bad this time.  I get into my seat slowly and rigidly by rolling onto my side in a near featle position before pushing myself up to sit on the edge of the bed (long gone are the days of jumping out of bed at a fast pace).  Placing my feet on the floor, I strap on my safety harness and brace myself for the ride to launch.

Like a blast the coaster shoots out of the gate as pain shoots it's way from my heals to my low back as I stand up and put my full weight on my legs.  The tracks feel a little bumpy this morning--my ancles are still stiff from trying to stay motionless as much as possible during the night. 

The first hill is a small one and the wheels of the coaster get lubricated when my joints loosen up a little on the way into the kitchen.  The hill of pain slowly rises while I make my breakfast then falls when I get back in bed to eat.  At this point I can coast along for a while and check my email and Facebook on my laptop.  The first hill is designed into the ride so I can build up enough speed to heading into the first hairpin turn of taking my morning medications.  There is a lot of them and if I don't go into the turn just right I'll get an upset stomach.

After the first turn, there is an immediate steap climb in pain as I stand in the shower, dry off, make myself presentable, get dressed, open the curtains to let the sunshine in, put my dishes in the sink, and make the bed.  By the time I reach the peak, I take a pain pill (Norco) to help me get down the other side faster.

Today the other side of the hill was another stretch of track were I could cost along for a bit while the effects of the last hill subside.  I checked to make sure my harnesses were still secure when my wife called from work on her lunch break.  Just hearing her voice seems to make the ride a little smoother for those few minutes we're able to talk.  She usually gives me warnings of upcoming hills by reminding me of things I need to do that day.

The warnings this time consisted of reminding me that I had a big hill of doing some laundry so the boys would have clean cloths for their baseball in the afternoon, which is a very large hill that I actually find some joy in.  The phone call over and the coasting done, I follow the same proceedure I do everytime I get out of bed by rolling over to my side then pushing myself to a sitting position.  I'm now securely in my seat once again as I brace for the laindry hill.  To help me stay in my seat I take my Oxycontin; scheduled for noon each day.

Laundry starts out at a series of small ups and downs as the hill rises.  Going into the boy's room, I have to stoop down to pick up cloths left on the floor and not in their basket and stand up again to throw the cloths in.  This bobbing of the track gets me going at a higher velocity to the summit.  Luckily, the Norco combined with the Oxycontin keeps the crest from getting to high.  The top levels off as I drag the basket to the laundry room then slopes up again as it bobs, twists, and turns while putting the soap and cloths into the washer.  This finished, the descent starts as soon as I lay down again.  However, this time the descent isn't so pronounced because I can't get to the bottom before I need to go back into the laundry and put the cloths in the dryer.

And so the roller coaster rumbles along, up and down, in and out, throughout the day and into the evening with everything I do until it's time to get off and go back over to Sleep On, Sleep Off where I can start the cycle all over again.

Thank you for riding!  Please come again!

Log #40 (Taken for Granted)

This was a pretty slow day. It seems like I started the day with a mental note of things I wanted to accomplish and in the end very few of them got done.

For the first time in a few weeks I was able to sleep in my reclined position so my back got a break from me sleeping on my side. Because of that, my back felt a little better today. The thing about my back is that I am never completely pain free. The same can be said for my groin pain.

What people WITHOUT chronic pain fail to realize is that people WITH chronic pain are almost never completely pain free and that is hard to comprehend. A good day for me means that I can get up, collect the dirty laundry, and put things in the wash before having to lie down again. A good day is only taking two Norco tablets to ease the pain. A good day is walking to the end of our culdesac without feeling like I won't be able to make it back. A good day is being able to sit at the dinner table and have dinner with my wife and boys. What many take for granted, I count as a blessing.

Today was actually a down day for me mainly because I have been unable to do my mental "To Do" list. Over the years I've become a task oriented person. I like to always be doing things I like--be it work, hobbies, or personal things. Even reading a book has been a challenge because it's hard to get in a comfortable position or I'm just too tired to keep my eyes open. Over the last few days I haven't been able to do some of those personal things because of my back or due to the medications so it's been somewhat of a let down.

Right now my groin is flaring up and I'm getting anxious to finish and that's not what I really want to do, but I'll have to.

As the saying goes, and is often true, "The sun will come out tomorrow."

Log #39 (Nauseated)

I had a rough day today. It started at 3:00am in the morning when I woke up and had to rush to the bathroom so I could throw up. I'm not too sure what caused it. When I took some Nite-Time medicine before bed it didn't feel too good going down, but I've had that feeling with that kind of medicine before without that result.

With my other medications it's a different story and I'm sure they are the real culprits in this little uprising. The side effect with some of my other medications is nausea and vomiting (Why does the word vomit sound so much more gross than throwing-up?). I don't usually have a problem with them, but sometimes after I take my evening meds and go to bed I get extremely nauseated and occasionally that is followed by throwing-up. There are times when pain has been so severe that I've thrown-up, but that doesn't happen often because I'm able to take pain meds before it gets so bad. I think there is something in the combination and timing in taking my evening meds, combined with my body chemistry, that causes this sporadic reaction.

Besides that ordeal last night, my back was really acting up today; more like a tantrum I should say. The flu isn't quite gone yet so I'm still having to sleep on my side so the sinus drainage into my lungs is not so bad. My back is really getting mad at me for doing this so it decided to make me miserable today. It was hard just to get out of bed and no position I could get myself into brought any relief. I took my regular dose of Oxycontin at noon, which is slow acting time released so that didn't help much. I then took a Norco with no effect. An hour later I took a second, which is usually guaranteed to help, but not this time. I'd had enough so at three I took a third and finally the pain subsided, but only after I was high out of my mind.

Days like this really make life difficult to say the least. It is hard to accomplish anything when you can't even get out of bed or concentrate on anything because pain, and how to get rid of it, is the only thing you can think of.

To end on a positive note... at least my flu is almost gone... I hope!

Log #38 (Sex)

First of all, I'm feeling better today. My throat is still very sore and my nose is still stuffy/runny and draining down my throat into my lungs, but over all I'm feeling better. That's good because now I can get back to writing more in my blog.

Now for the subject that most of us love, but are afraid to talk about... SEX.

How does chronic pain affect the person's sex life?

I will not go into personal details and I will refrain from anything graphic so I hope everyone will be comfortable reading this. In a way, I'll be kind of generic.

In the early stages of my pain, before it became a chronic ongoing occurrence, my sex life wasn't affected much. It meant waiting until another night in some cases, but truthfully speaking, the excitement of sex releases endorphins into the blood stream and those are natural pain killers. I may sound weird, but look it up. Endorphins aren't the best pain killers in the world, but they sure help!! You would be surprised at how much pain it can mask so next time your spouse complains about a headache you can tell them you have the best remedy. Endorphins are also good in relieving depression and stress for short periods of time. Endorphins are a natural self-preservation mechanism.

Imagine this... A young warrior of the Scottish Highlands has a wife, but no children. A battle rages between the clans out on the mores not far away from the village he struggles to protect. The battle is won, but our young warrior is mortally wounded. The adrenalin and endorphins are pumping through his body by a strong and vigorous heart.
He rushes home to share the good news with his wife, but he's yet to realize that a serious wound is sapping the life from his body. Husband and wife rush into each other's arms as he enters his small stone cottage with a grass covered roof. In the excitement and heat of the moment the young couple does what has been done for centuries--the act that perpetuates the human race.

After the peak of passion has been reached the young man rolls over on his back and notices that he's starting to feel very cold. As the endorphins ware off the pain begins to pierce his side just above the hem of his kilt around his side and to his back. He reaches a hand down to find a steady stream of blood has soaked the entire side of his kilt as darkness closes in and his spirit is grabbed by the hands of eternity and carried away. He is gone, but in nine months his widowed wife will bare a son that will carry on his father's name.

I used this story to illustrate the point that the body does it's best to preserve, heal, and alleviate pain. It does this keep us alive, but the fact that the body releases pain killing endorphins during sex (my own theory) is an age old way to perpetuate the human race even when people are suffering from all kinds of injuries and illnesses.

Now that I've written all that, I can say that endorphins don't do a lot for severe pain, but it helps. Chronic pain, especially when it involves problems revolving around the spine, can hinder or even stop a person's sex life. It requires changes in how sex is approached. The things that at one time were done naturally and easily become difficult. These changes can cause the person with chronic pain to feel like they are less competent and good as a lover.

In my case, I can say that it has been a source of concern and some depression as my abilities dropped off, but now my wife and I have adjusted and I don't feel so bad. I've also learned that the pain that comes afterward is more than it was before the act, but it's a price well worth it.

There are some however, that lose their sex life all together and it leads to all kinds problems in the marriage and sometimes divorce.

The other problem that comes from chronic pain and the pain medications is that sex drive and desire drops off. It is difficult to think about sex and get in the mood for romance when you have sharp pains stabbing you in different parts of the body. It is hard to think about sex when you get depressed about all the problems you face. Lastly, it's hard to think about sex when you take a ton of pain medications and in some cases those pills affect your ability to reach the peak.

I hope I covered that well. If anyone who reads this blog has any questions for me then feel free to ask in the "comments" section and I'll do my best to answer. I encourage you to write your opinions, reactions, and personal experiences because it helps people to see different sides of the same cube.

Log #37 (Coming Around)

I finally feel like maybe I'm turning the corner with this flu. Since I am taking so many different medications I get leery about taking flu medicines like Nite-Time or Thera-Flu. These flu medicines when mixed with narcotics can intensify the effect of the narcotic--namely drowsiness. I asked the Doctor a couple of days ago if I could take it and he said I'd be fine so last night I braved it and gulped some down. Today I felt a little better when I woke up and it slowly got worse as the day wore on, but at least I still feel better than yesterday.

I'm pretty sure that means by tomorrow night I'll probably have more energy than writing one or two paragraphs.

One of the other pluses today was that I felt good enough to go to two little league games today. They overlapped a little so I didn't have to be out as long as normal for watching two games. I am friends with one of the guys on the board of directors for the league and I had the chance to ask why there was no handicapped parking. He told me that they had be pressing the City of Simi Valley to do something, but the City keeps telling them that they have more important things to do right now. I asked him for the contact information at the city offices so I can raise a big stink about it. I can't take walking a hundred yards from the car to where we need to set up our chairs. That's ridicules!!!

Tomorrow night, if I'm finally feeling up to it, I want to talk a little bit about how chronic pain can affect a person's sex life.

Log #36 (One More)

I think I'm finally feeling a turn around with this flu. I tried to sleep it off as much as I could today and now I feel a little better. The problem is that I still have the flu and I'm too dang tired to stay awake.

I'm in bed with the laptop on my legs while my wife watches a movie that I want to see, but every time I start watching I start falling asleep. I feel pretty good about the idea that tomorrow night I'll be able to write much more.

Right now I just want to get enough sleep and rest so that I can make it to my kids baseball games tomorrow. I missed their last games and that was too many for my liking.

One more night...

Log #35 (New Meds)

I'll do my best best to write a little in spite of this scorching headache. Probably the worst day thus far in this Flu. I've taken it from the cold category because this thing is wreaking havoc on me and I'll feel horrible.

Even though I feel so bad, I decided to brave the trip to the appointment with the New Pain Management Doctor. I guess on the first visit however, that everyone sees the Medical Assistant first so he can screen them. I didn't want to reschedule again mainly because the longer I go without the Savella the worse my fibromyalgia hurts, just adding discomfort to an already uncomfortable flu.

The Assistant was about my age and I'm not sure what his medical training is, but it is sufficient for him to be able to write prescriptions. He went over the questionnaire I'd filled out previously about my condition and asked me questions so he could understand better what I'd written down. All of the fibromyalgia symptoms were kicking up by the time I got there today so timing couldn't have been better. I was agitated and my blood pressure was a little high--could have just been from all the pain I'm in or the flu. He then pressed on all of the pressure points that are supposed to be tender if you have fibromyalgia and sure enough they were more than just tender. That seemed to be his main concern on this visit as he asked only a few questions about my groin pain.

In the end, after discussing the different medications I've taken that affect fibromyalgia and the side effects I've had, the drug of choice is Lyrica. I'd been given this when I first got home from the hospital and my spine surgery, but I was so out of it when it was prescribed to me that I didn't know what it was for and I decided to stop taking it. Now that I know what it is used for and I remember how I felt when I was taking it, I felt like this was the best choice. I didn't have the side effects I felt with Savella and the Clonopin.

I take this for four weeks and go back into the office to see the Medical Doctor this time.

The trip there and back was torture because of my back and the flu. When I got home, all I wanted to do is sleep so I laid down and the nerves in my back started sending the lightning bolts down my legs causing them to twitch and jerk in pain. So I took a second Norco since getting home and waited for it to kick in. I was able to take a little nap after that.

It is now about two hours after waking up and I'm ready to go back to sleep. This Flu is a bear!!!

Good night.

Log #34 (Drowning)

This cold sucks!!!

I've been sleeping on my sides so much that the nerves are constantly firing off down my legs. It's getting harder to get out of bed and put my feet on the floor. By the time this stupid cold is gone it's going to take my back a month to recover. I guess at this point I'd rather suffer the back pain than to feel like I'm drowning.

Please bare with me. I have a lot to write, but not the energy to work on it.

Log #33 (Oh Boy)

Yesterday I thought maybe I'd reached the turning point in this stupid cold. Oh Boy! Was I ever right! Last night after I finished writing, my nose clogged up, my throat felt like someone hit me in the neck with a baseball, and I couldn't clear my lungs of the drainage. I was, and still am, miserable. My back is killing me!!! I hate to say it, but I may not have a good log entry to read until this thing has worn away a lot more. Tomorrow I'll try to write something in the middle of the day so I can at least put more on here to read.

Be well!!!

Log #32 (Ups & Downs)

Because of this cold I had to shift some things around today--namely the appointment with the Pain Management Doctor. I haven't developed the cough that I thought I would, but then again, one of the best cough suppressants are the ones with codeine and Vicodin is essentially massive amounts of codeine. It's kind of crazy to think that pain killers don't do anything for sore throats. For the sore throat I take Naproxin or Ibrophin (However those are spelled).

Usually I sleep in a sitting-up/reclined position to reduce the amount of pain I have in bed. I prefer to sleep on my side, but it makes my back really hurt even with a pillow between my knees (proper way for everyone to sleep). Right now with the cold, sleeping reclined causes my sinuses to drain like crazy down my throat and into my lungs so I'm essentially forced to sleep on my side. That means tons of pain and less sleep, but the alternative is feeling like I'm drowning.  Sometimes I feel like I just can't win.

It's been about 5 days since I completely stopped taking Savella and today was the first day that I really noticed the difference in not having it in my system. I could feel the fibromyalgia creeping back today. It lasted for a few hours then went away. I almost forgot to write about it, but it's starting to creep back right now. It does feel similar to having a cold, but a little more irritating so I know it's not just the cold.  It's like a tiger creaping up on me; I know it's coming, but just not when.

One bright side to this week is that there are no little league games this week until Saturday so I have time to get better. I actually missed the games they had last Friday and that was really hard on me. I don't want to NOT be there when they have some accomplishment or reach some milestone. The reason I missed wasn't because of my cold alone though.

The bladder thing feels better today so I'll hold off on calling the urologist.

Log #31 (Social Life)

I don't think I've reached the peak with this cold yet.

One of the biggest adjustments that comes along with Chronic Pain is the social aspect. I'm not a very social person to begin with, but when I look at how much interaction I had with other people while I was working I can see that I really enjoyed that part of my life. My work as a Mechanical Engineer was stressful and challenging. I had difficult people I had to work with, but I was also around some of the best people I've ever met. Even with all of the difficulties, my job and the company I worked for was the best I'd ever had. Basically what I'm saying is that I really miss it. I enjoyed a position of respect and I was valued. In this bad economy when the company I worked for is laying off engineers, they continue to keep me on medical leave and they want me back.

I haven't told them yet that I may not be because I hold out the hope that things will change for me. The idea that I woke up one day and said, "I don't want to work anymore," is completely false. In truth, it took some time to reach the conclusion that, "I CAN'T work anymore." There is a BIG difference between those two statements. One is born of laziness and the other is the result of circumstance.

When I hear of someone who is still working even though they have a lot of problems, I envy them. As much as I want to, I can't for a number of reasons. Physically I'd be in too much pain, but if I took enough pain killers to deal with it, then my mind wouldn't function. Just driving to work would endanger myself and the other drivers on the road.

The other social aspect of life that takes a hit is just being able to do things with friends and family. I'm referring here to family that lives in other cities. For instance, my sister's mother-in-law died last week and the funeral is tomorrow. I would like to be there just to show support for my sister and her husband, but I can't make the trip. My niece recently had a baby and I'd like to go see her, but I can't. Trips that I wouldn't think twice about taking before my condition became so bad, I now have to avoid. My friends and relatives love me and they want me to share in their lives. There are somethings I would have no choice, but to go. I just hope those things don't happen for a long time to come.

Losing these social experiences makes life more tough than the pain sometimes.

Log #30 (Glass Shards)

Still sick, but I'm going to put some words on here anyway. My nose is draining into my lungs so I'm getting a cough. Fun... Fun... Fun...

The last kidney stone I passed still hasn't come out. It's been stuck in my bladder for some time now and it's driving me crazy. It keeps wanting to bust out of bladder prison and find freedom in the vast sewer system, but the passage way isn't quite big enough so he's getting mad and irritating everything around him. He might be causing a bladder infection. If he's still throwing a fit on Monday I'll have to go to the urologist and make sure there's no infection.

Seriously... Every time I go pee it starts out well, but I can feel it blocking things as I get to the end and it hurts.

I wanted to make a comment about my back pain that I haven't explained before. I was reminded of it this morning when I took a shower... Sometimes when I'm standing up or walking around, the nerve pain stemming from my back problems, likes to shoot down my leg into my heal. It's kind of like a spear being pushed down from the middle of my back through my leg. At the same time I feel like I'm stepping on a big shard of glass. It is strange how the sensation feels like it's coming from two directions when in reality it's originating from the same location.

So, as I'm walking or standing, like in the shower this morning, I feel like I'm walking or standing on the shards of glass and I want to get my feet off the ground as soon as possible. That too, is Fun... Fun... Fun...

That's it for today. Good night everyone.

Log #29 (Same thing)

Still have a bad cold.  Didn't do anything at all today, but try my best to sleep.  One thing I can mention... Why is it that when you get sick the virus likes to attack the parts of the body that are already sore?  It seems like my back is so much more stiff, but then I ache all over.  How is it that I can have a stuffy nose and when I blow it nothing comes out?  The thing I hate the most is having a sore throat because nothing will sooth it.  Isn't the body an amazing thing?

Good night

Log #28 (Too Sick!!)

My throat is super sore and my nose is messed up with my eyes and body hurting.  Sorry.  No writing tonight.

Log #27 (Break Down)

I'm still sick, but I want to try and write more tonight anyway.

Tonight I'd like to share some things about depression and how it has affected my situation. Part of my promise in writing this blog was to be honest and lay things on the line without glossing things over.

Come with me, if you will, back to the end of last October (2009). Halloween was coming around, my sons were playing fall baseball, and I was doing everything I could to feel useful. Earlier in the year I had finished a Sci-Fi novel that I was very excited about, but after running it through all of the channels I learned that I had to have prior publishing experience before I could get this particular book published. I won't go into all of the details as to why that is. The thing that is important here was that I had high hopes of getting it published and I couldn't. I was realistic about the idea and I knew it was going to be difficult to get it published, but I still had too much hanging on it. My hope was to have some income coming in no matter how meager because it would help me to feel like I was working to support the family.

By the time October rolled around I was writing a second novel in a different genre, but finding it much more difficult. Mainly because depression had set in pretty deep and it's very hard to be creative in that condition. I was in a downward spiral because the harder the writing became the more it felt out of reach and the less I felt like I would be able to contribute. Because of some insurance I had through work (not workman's comp) we're able to keep our heads above water, but in my view that is not contributing to this family through my own efforts. Maybe other people see it differently, but I don't. I have to do something that requires some effort or I don't feel like I'm pulling my weight.

Another thing going on at that time was a craft project I had started for Halloween, which is probably my favorite holiday. I love decorating and doing cool things so I wanted to try and make something since I had time on my hands. I bit off more than I could chew with that project though. I couldn't do much with my back hurting so much and that was actually making things worse. Plus, I could see that I may not be able to finish it in time and it would almost be a waste. I was putting too much pressure on myself and once again my creativity was faltering.

Log #26 (Sick)

I'm keeping it very short tonight.  I've got a cold/flu or whatever and I don't feel good.  I slept whenever I could and I want to sleep right now.  So this is it for tonight.

I hope I get better soon so I can write more than this.

Good night!

Log #25 (Quack Doctors)

It can be so hard to find good doctors these days. Just like most lawyers, they're out to make a buck and they don't care one bit for their clients/patients. On the surface they pretend to so you'll come back, but when push comes to shove they'll treat you like dirt.

When I saw the Pain Management Doctor a little over a week ago he said he was going to take over all of my medications associated with pain so he gave me prescriptions for Oxycontin, Norco, and a two week trial pack of Savella. The Savella seemed like it might be working okay so I called last Friday and asked for a full prescription.

The doctor told me I would have to come into his office each month to get refills, which I don't like, but I can live with it. The problem is that I have to go in for refills on Savella as well. In other words, I would have to go in to his office every two weeks. Every two weeks I have to pay a stupid co-pay. That makes me mad!!

Now the other matter that upsets me. When I was there, he asked some questions, but didn't do an examination. He told me to come in today for some kind of diagnostic test, but he didn't explain why and what for. Last Thursday I spoke with one of the people in his office and asked what the diagnostic was all about since the doctor didn't really explain what he wanted to do.

It turns out that he planned on irritating the nerves in my back to see which ones would recreate my pain. If he was successful then he was going to numb those nerves with something and see if my pain went away for a few hours. If that worked then he planned on having me come back again to literally burn those same nerves. I would initially be in more pain for a week, but after that the pain would possibly go away all together. Anywhere from six months to a year I would have to go back in and have the process repeated because the nerve heals itself.

After that call I did some reading and from what I read it said that the procedure (Facet Rhizotomy) is only successful on certain candidates and proper screening had to be done first. One of those screening procedures is to press on the facet joint with your fingers and if it's painful then there is a very good indication that the diagnostic should be done. Well, the doctor never touched my back when I was in his office and when my wife rubs my back those areas don't hurt so immediately I was sceptical. The other thing is that this procedure doesn't do anything to fix the problem if I had one. The last thing that I have to consider is how it affects my case with Workman's Comp and I was advised by my lawyer that we're still fighting over whether or not my back would require the surgery I already had. If I were to have the burning procedure done it would complicate my case and possibly ruin it. After fighting it for this long I don't want to take that chance. I called the doctor and explained the situation and he said that if I didn't want to follow his plan then I had no reason to see him. He didn't care how it would affect my legal case or what the lawyer had to say. he said I should have the lawyer treat me for my pain then. When I asked about the Savella prescription he basically told me to do what I want, but he won't treat me or prescribe anything unless I have the procedure.

I am left to conclude from all of this that for one he is a total and complete jerk! He is also a quack who's only interested in frequent office visits and guessed at procedures so he can keep me coming in and billing my insurance. Most likely so he can pay for his huge house, fancy car, and who knows what else.

He is the second Pain Management Doctor I have met and the second one who is and egocentric maniacal jerk. In other words, the definition of A__ H____!!!!

I made an appointment with a different Pain Management Doctor for next week in a different office. If that guy won't listen to what I have to say, what my legal situation is, or do an examination of his own, I'm going to let this issue drop and not try to seek help from any doctor in that speciality. My hopes are not high at this point. What a disappointment!