Log #17 (Spinal Fusion)

This was a pretty rough day with my back giving me problems all night and not sleeping all because of the mailbox fun yesterday. Right now I've got the electric shock thing shooting down my legs and it's really painful so I may not write too much tonight.

I wanted to show you what nerves are giving me problems and the surgery I had back in November.

As you can see from this picture the sciatic nerve starts at the lower back and goes down through the legs. If these nerves get pinched/restricted for any reason it can cause the shooting pain sensation to streak through the buttocks and down to the toes. Pinched nerves can cause numbness and tingling and loss of motor control where the foot flops when walking.

Another picture I've included shows the parts of the body that are affected when nerves at various levels of the spine are pinched or damaged. The level where most of my problems are associated with is the L5-S1 level. So if you look at the chart and anywhere you see the notation L5 or S1, then that is where I have pain.

And finally I've included a video about the actual surgery I had preformed on my back. I have to say however, that at this point, three months out, I don't have the improvement I should have with the pain still at the same levels as before.

Log #16 (Mailbox adventure)

One of the annoying things about my back and groin pain is how the smallest task can make it flare up. I'm going to go into some detail about replacing our mailbox today and some of it may seem a little unimportant, but in fact it is when I have to show how these physical setbacks affect my everyday life.

For quite a while we've needed a new mailbox. Our old one probably looked the way I feel, have way hinged at the door, leaning to one side like it's about to fall over, and ready to fall apart at any minute. (Not quite as bad as the picture, but close)

In my need to get out of the house for a change of scenery, I thought about that old mail box and decided it was time for a new one. So we loaded ourselves into the car like it was a major family trip and my wife drove the family up to Lowe's.

Log #15 (Handicap Parking)

Just a few things to mention today regarding my visit to the Pain Management Doctor...

1. I asked him about medical marijuana and he didn't think there was any benefit for treating pain, which flies in the face of everything my spine surgeon said and what I've read.
2. He immediately said that I shouldn't be taking the Klonopin so he prescribed Savella, which is mainly prescribed to patients with fibromyalgia even though he said he didn't think I had it.
3. He wants to focus on what is causing my groin pain so he wants me to do some type of injection in the nerves to see if that stops the pain. If it works then we pursue one direction of treatment, but if it doesn't work then we take a different direction.
4. I am going in for X-rays on my upper back to see if there are any spine issues there.

This is, in a lot of ways, similar to what I went through with the spine surgeon except here the focus is using medications where the surgeon focused on surgery.

It has been a year-and-a-half since the last time I went to work. I have had constant pain for the duration of the time. I have seen doctors from various specialities and all with the same results and now I have to start the process again. I'm on the diagnosis carousel. In the beginning I would be optimistic with each new doctor, but now I find myself being pessimistic.

I am trying to be optimistic that the course we're taking will put me in a better place regarding medications so I won't be taking as much oxycontin and norco, which is what I'm hoping for the most. I could care less about using medical marijuana if these other medications work. Plus they must work in such a way that I don't build up a tolerance to them. I'll give this pain management thing a try and cross me fingers. My body is the ultimate judge.

To change the subject I'd like to make a comment about allowances made for disabled at business' around the area. Unless you find yourself disabled yo never pay attention to the number of handicap parking spaces there are. Now that I am, I can say that there is a lot of poor planning going into this issue. The government has their requirements and business' comply, but the way they carry out the requirements is messed up.

For example: There is a Big 5 Sporting goods store here in Simi Valley and they provide parking for two handicap slots. That's fine because sporting goods and handicap usually don't mix. Sometimes though, I have to go there with my wife to get sporting gear for our boys because I know more about that equipment than she does. So we drive there and park in the handicap because the other ones aren't open. You say, "Wait a minute. You can park in the handicap slot, but you don't want to use it?" With this store the brilliant person who laid out the parking has the handicap spots on the side of the building while regular slots are right out the front door. So a handicap person has further to go to get to the front door than an able bodied person. Does that make sense?

Usually, parking is in a good location, but there is not enough of it. In one of the shopping malls in the area there is a Macaroni Grill, Rubios, and a Cold Stone Ice cream all right in a row. How many handicap parking spaces are there? Two!

My two youngest sons have little league baseball games twice a week. That is a ton of kids playing ball each week at the four ball fields. How many handicap spots do they have for the hundreds of people there each day? None!

Things are a lot better than it was twenty years ago, but this country still has a long way to go to provide services for the disabled. Most people don't think about it that much. I know I didn't, but like me, I hope you don't have to become disabled too to notice it.

Log #14 (Faith)

Faith... What is it all for? Why go through all of this? Why do people suffer? Why do bad things happen to good people.

I hope you will bare with my train of thought this evening as I work toward my point...

When everything seems to be going wrong we want to believe there's a reason behind it. We want to blame our setbacks on something or someone. When there is no other explanation for our problems we are sometimes prone to think we are cursed.

Some people believe that when bad things happen it's because God is displeased with them. Some how they are being punished for past sins or maybe they'll go so far as to believe that God hates them. All their evil deeds must be destroyed.

This does not hold true for the embezzler who steals investors' money and lives a life of luxury in Cancun and dies when he's 92. It doesn't explain the serial killer or the child abductor who's never caught. There are many Tyrants in history who lived long lives and turned over their kingdoms to their children.

Therefore good and bad things happen to evil people in the same way that it does good people. To get into a discussion about a judgment in an afterlife has no bearing on the here and now. It only serves to give us a sense of peace that in some way there is justice.

It is human nature to seek absolutes. We want to label things as either good or bad, black or white, happy or sad, punishment or reward, and right or wrong. We want everything to be cut and dry. We establish laws and maintain order. Everything is to be in it's place with an explanation and for a reason. From the minute a small child asks why, categorization begins.

In our need for answers we ask our Scientists to look for reasons and explanations while Doctors are to seek look for causes and cures.

When something falls outside of our knowledge or understanding we want to believe that the answers will come some how. We want this life be guided by something more than just chance. Chance is a chaotic demon that leaves his nest of fear and flies into the night of despair to send his fireball of affliction slamming into anyone who happens to be in his way.

Log #13 (Finally some sleep)

What a difference in my sleep experience last night. Although I usually dream at night my sleep is interrupted a lot so I don't get much out of my dreams, but last night I really slept for a change and had dreams that were long enough to make sense.

The name of the medication the doctor prescribed yesterday is Klonopin and I'm taking 1mg tablets. It didn't do much for my general achy feeling, but it helped with anxiety and it put me right to sleep. The drawback was that I fell asleep a few times times today when I really shouldn't have. This medication doesn't replace any of my other medications so it's just one more I have to take everyday. Now we'll see if the Pain Management Doctor changes things up even more.

For more information on Klonopin...What is Klonopin

There was a song in the eighties by Huey Lewis called, "I want a new drug." It's a great song and it kind of applies to my situation. It would be nice to have a drug that would do it all and make me feel better. Instead, I find myself saying, "I don't want a new drug." or "Not another one!"

So here is some info on Fibromyalgia from yahoo health:

Log #12 (Fibromyalgia)

Truth be told, I'm very tired so I won't write too much tonight.

I made it in to see my Primary Care Doctor today so we could go over the problems I had with the higher dosage of Requip and the problems it caused. Plus we had to talk about the fatigue I feel, which has been getting worse of late.

I told him everything that has been bothering me lately such as a general flu-like ache all over, fatigue in my arms and legs, feeling that my head will explode, and agitation with anxiety. All of this is added to the pain I feel in my back, legs, and groin. So I feel very out of sorts.

My wife went into the visit with me so she could bring up things that I forget. The main thing that came up is the possibility of having Fibromyalgia so he pressed a few different pressure points, which were quite painful. That is a good indication that I may, in fact, have that problem. The doctor told us that FM is hard to diagnose and that it's like the flavor of the month in the medical community. It has become the easy diagnosis for a lot of patients with muscle and nerve pains.

One of the main things I like about my doctor is that he takes the time to explain everything in detail. He listens to everything I have to say and when he gives me a prescription he explains the different medications available, what things they're supposed to do, and how they work in the body to relieve the various symptoms. He asks a lot of questions about medications I may have had in the past and how my body reacted to them. He gives me options on which medications I may want to try while offering his opinion on which one he thinks I should choose. Plus he makes it clear that with medications it can be a long and tedious task to determine what will work best for me.

No doctor is perfect or infallible, but when you have a doctor who demonstrates genuine concern for your welfare, it's easy to put some trust there. I've had far too many doctors who walk in the room, ask a few questions, write a prescription, and then leave without explaining anything except how and when to take the pills. Many of them are over booked on purpose so they're guaranteed enough patients to maximize their billing to the insurance companies. The doctor's focus is shifted to the number of patients he can see instead of the number he can help (no gender implied by this statement). It is quantity over quality in it's purest form.

Anyway, FM seems to be some of my problem and he gave me a prescription for something (the name escapes me now, but I'll make a note of it in tomorrow's log). The prescription he gave today may be changed depending on what the Pain Management Doctor says on Thursday.

Like I said, I'm tired so I'm off to bed. I hope the new blog layout looks a lot better to everyone who reads this blog. I created the new header using Photoshop Elements 7. My next step is to go through the posts and add pictures and illustrations to make my points clearer.

Here are the symptoms of Fibromyalgia:

Log #11 (Discomfort)

****Layout changes coming that will improve the look of the blog and make it easier and more entertaining to read so please bare with me****

My doctor appointment with my Primary Care Doctor is tomorrow instead of today so nothing to report there.

I guess the thing I'll write about today is blunt and maybe even gross to some, but it's part of the ordeal and should be addressed. To be sure, it's very embarrassing.

One of the many side effects of pain medication is constipation. Many doctors will suggest that you take laxatives to help, but it doesn't help much. Eating a lot of fiber can make things a little better, but it doesn't alleviate the problem. There are supplements like Activa yogurt that help as well, but the fact remains that the constipation is a real problem associated with most pain medications.

Daily Log #10 (Finding a Balance)

There isn't that much to write about today except that I tried to rest up as much as possible while watching the Olympics.

I reduced my dosage of Requip back to 2mg last night and I've gone back to taking 20mg of Oxycontin 3x/day. On average, if I don't do much during the day, I take Norco 10/325mg 3x/day as well. If we go somewhere or I doing anything around the house I have to take much more.

I don't feel as agitated nor do I have the twitching that I had a few days ago so I'm confident that the medication was the majority of the problem I had this week with side effects. I still have the pain and electricity shooting down my legs, but at least I don't have to deal with side effects like I was.

I was more stiff today than usual, but a rain storm came in and that usually means that my general pain levels go up. Living in southern California has the advantages of not getting cold or rainy that often so it's a little easier on a person with chronic pain than it would be if I lived in a cold and wet climate. I received a text message from a friend with chronic pain who lives in Utah and she said her pain goes way up with the bad weather.


Even though I've corrected my medications I still have the fatigue level that I had before. The fatigue has been getting worse for a while now. It used to be localized to my legs, but in the past few months I notice it in my arms as well. Pain from my back problems is always limited to the areas from my lower pelvis and back down through my legs and when that is at it's worst I can take Norco and the pain will subside within a half hour. The problem with the fatigue is that no amount of pain pills seem to have any affect. So in some ways the fatigue is more painful and bothersome than the pain caused by my bad back. Sometimes I wonder if prolonged usage of narcotics for pain can actually cause problems like Fibromyalgia.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment with my Primary Care Doctor and I'm going to ask about that.

I hope that sometime in the future this blog will have enough followers that the comment section will be full of similar experiences by other chronic pain sufferers. Taking one person's word for things doesn't carry the weight that 10, 100, or a 1000 will have.

Daily Log #9 (Public Perception)

After having a very rough night, probably one of the worst since the first week after surgery, I got up to do some research on the Internet to see if I could discover why I was feeling so bad. At one point last night my back was shooting an electrical force down my legs and at one point both legs lifted--involuntarily--about three inches off the bed and shuck violently for about three or four seconds. It was horrible! Scared the crap out of me that's for sure! I'm supposed to have control over my body and that really sucked.

While laying on the couch trying to sleep--I always go there so my wife can stay in bed and get a good nights sleep--I made the connection of my recent problems with my increased dosage of requip. There are a few things going on that led to the dosage increase. First of all, I take 20mg of Oxycontin 3x/day, but because I want to sleep better I thought I would try taking two Oxycontin tablets before bed instead of one and then I'd only take one tablet during the day. Sounded logical to me. The Oxycontin causes me to have some very slight muscle twitching that doesn't happen too often so I didn't think anything of taking the two tablets at night. I've been taking them that way for about two weeks and for some reason I never associated my twitching with the Oxycontin. Well, this last Tuesday night the pain and twitching in my legs was pretty bad and I thought it was because of my Restless Leg Syndrome so I took two 2mg tablets of requip instead of my normal one tablet. A little while later I started feeling okay and tried to go back to sleep.

Daily Log #8 (Disoriented)

This was a strange day. I have always been an anxious person who worries a lot about the future and I brood over the past. Both things that I should do a lot less of and I know it. The last few days, besides sleep problems, I've been more anxious than normal for no particular reason, I think. I've had panic attacks before and I know when they're coming on and I know how to calm myself before the attack can get off of the ground.

This time seems a little different because I'm not running the negative thoughts through my head. As a matter of fact, I've been feeling rather excited about writing the blog everyday along with my other writing. So when anxiety seems to be anxiety for the sake of anxiety, I have a little more trouble keeping it down.

Part of the problem stems from the medication, part of it stems from pain, and part of it stems from no sleep. Normally I would include negative thoughts in that bunch, but today it doesn't apply.

Daily Log #7 (No Sleep)

It was very quiet around here today. I didn't fall asleep until 2:30am and then my wife's alarm clock went off at 4:30am. Since I had been up most of the night trying to get comfortable enough to sleep, my stomach must have thought it was later in the day so I couldn't go back to sleep without eating something first. I probably should have taken some Ambian to help me sleep, but when I take it I usually feel tired all day anyway. Plus when I lay in bed trying to get comfortable I don't want to get up to take some Ambian and have to start all over again. Usually, by the time I get sick of not being able to sleep it's too late to take Ambian anyway. So, on nights like tonight, when I have already gone a few nights without much sleep, I'll take an Ambian right away and hope it works.

Just because I take something to help me sleep that doesn't mean I'll get any sleep because pain doesn't care about sleeping pills. The sleeping pills usually help me to sleep longer with the pain before I wake up.

I'm very aware of what happened to Heith Ledger, the actor who died from pain pills mixed with sleeping pills so I take a lower dose of sleeeping pills and only when I think I absolutely have to.

Daily Log #6 (Doctor Visit)

It was an interesting day today. My youngest son stayed home from school today with a sore throat so my routine was thrown off a little, but I also had a post-op follow-up appointment with my orthopedic doctor.

He's a pretty good doctor in my opinion. He is one of those guys who tries to exhaust all other possibilities before resorting to surgery. This usually means that the doctor is very interested in finding the cause of the pain rather than go for the easy money and throw the patient on the operating table.

There wasn't much done today in the way of making any new progress. He asked if my pain was any better and to compare it with what I felt before surgery. To be honest, I had to tell him that I feel worse. My overall pain is worse and some of that is because I'm still healing from the surgery. Other than that I have pain in all the same places as before except that I don't have the pain shooting into my toes anymore. That doesn't mean much because I still have the pulsating pain going down the back of my leg into my heal.

Daily Log #5 (Thankful)

I would like to thank everyone for the emails of support I've received these last few days. It has helped me put things into better perspective.

I started this blog so I could feel like I was doing something to contribute. By putting things on "paper" it helps ease the depression.

I would also like to say that I am taking Welbutrin for the depression and it has helped. I've been able to see a therapist, but now Workman's comp has denied further visits. So until my lawyer works that out this will be the place that I vent.

I am a blessed man. I have a wonderful wife and kids and right now we're able to survive better than most people in this situation. If it wasn't for the knowledge that my family and friends love me, my church supports me, but most of all God will help me get through this, if not for these things I would have given up hope. So I keep going with this load of depression on my shoulders know that all of this pain and associated trials are for a reason.

Having said all that, I should point out that this blog focuses on the negative for a reason. I have to write all of these bad things so the person who reads can identify and maybe feel better knowing that someone else feels the same way. The other reason is for the family member or friend of someone who's suffering. I could gloss over things and make a joke of all this, but who does that serve? No one! I don't want any one's pity or sympathy. That is not my purpose. I simply have to be straight forward so that the truth can be known.

Daily Log #4 (Pain Medication)

There wasn't much going on today. No mail to worry about because of President's Day.

My kids were home from school and playing video games most of the time. In the past, I would have wanted to go somewhere whenever they had a day off. Even if it was to play catch or something. Instead, I spent the day working on my novel.

On a normal day, when the kids are at school and my wife is at work, I get up around 8:30am. Even if I don't get much sleep the night before I'll get up early most days. Our dog requires a lot of attention and she won't let me sleep in too long. She'll jump on the bed and start hitting me with her paw to wake me up. I'm up earlier to make sure my kids are getting ready for school, but once they leave I try to get some more sleep.

When I get up I'll go get a bowl of cereal for breakfast if my wife hasn't made some oatmeal for me and left it on the counter. I go back to bed and turn on my laptop while I eat and I check on all my games (two) that I have going on Facebook. I'll go through my email too.

When that's all done I get up to take my morning medications and take a shower. There is no way my day feels like it's started until I take a shower. I love hot showers!!! I used to take showers for twenty or thirty minutes (until the hot water ran out) and because I was usually up and out of the house for work before anyone else got up the shower was my way of going over the things had had to do that day. Now my showers are just long enough to wash my hair and clean up with some soap. My groin starts hurting the minute I stand up and putting weight on my legs starts the pain shooting through them. So by the time my shower is finished, I am too, so I take another pain pill around then. I usually don't shave because that requires standing up longer so my beard can get a little rough sometimes.

Daily Log #3 (Something for Valentine's Day)

Up most of the night dealing with cramps from constipation, which stems from a combination of pain medication and the fact that my nerve problems are causing my bowls not to work well. In any case, I was too tired to make it to church with my family. When I am able to make it it is only for a short time and seats are too painful so I have to go home.

Just as a change of pace...
For my wife on Valentine's Day...

Two halves of life made whole
By Patrick Garrett (Valentine’s Day, 2010)

With every dream I dared to dream
She crept into my mind sublime
Her face majestic and agleam
Untouchable as immortal time

For years I searched and looked in vain
In every face I found not there
The woman I’d wished to attain
My dream remained a wisp of air

Daily Log #2 (Depression from CP)

I received a few different letters from State Fund Workman's Compensation Insurance and I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that there is nothing insuring about it. The Workman's Comp system is organized and run by criminals and the only people that suck benefits from them are other criminals.

From the moment I faced the fact that I may never work again I started a downward spiral into depression until it got so bad that my church leadership had to intervene and get me in to see a therapist. My Lawyer then sent me to a Psychiatrist approved by both him AND State Fund. As is usual, when a professional says their claimant has a serious problem, State Fund denies all services. Even though the professional reports that my depression is directly related to my injuries, the insurance company says it's not.

I won't go into all the details of my depression, but I will say this... There have been times when I was ready to give up everything and I knew exactly how I would do it. When it became all too apparent that I was sinking fast, Anya made the phone call to get me some help.

Daily Log #1 (Restless Leg and CP)

Well... I guess the best place to begin this is with how well I slept last night. Not good at all!! Before I go to bed at night I take 40mg of Oxycontin, 10/325mg Norco (Most people know it better as Vicodin), and 4mg of Requip. The Oxycontin and Norco are for pain relief so I can fall asleep and the Requip is for a condition called Restless Leg Syndrome or RLS. The RLS causes extreme fatigue in the legs and gives you the sensation like you need to keep your legs moving constantly or you'll go crazy from the discomfort. Some nights I'll take Ambien to help me sleep, but I only take that when I've already gone a few nights with little or no sleep.

Remember those lab experiments you did in high school where you connected a battery to a dead frog's legs and they'd start to twitch and jump? Combine RLS with Sciatic nerve problems and it's like someone zapping my back with current from a nuclear power plant. My legs jump uncontrollably with a feeling of electrical shock striking the center of my low back, just above the hip bone (Technically the L5-S1 joint), and then it streaks down the back of my legs causing them to spasm and shaking the whole bed. The Requip reduces the frequency of these attacks. Some nights, when a bad episode hits, I have to go sleep on the couch or I keep my wife awake all night. Last night, for the first time in a few nights, I was able to escape that ordeal.

Yesterday, I tried to help out around the house by putting some dirty cloths through the washer and dryer. Simple enough, right? Not for me. My whole life I've been warned not to be lazy. It was pounded into my head by my mother when I wouldn't clean my room. So I've worked my butt off since I was 10 years old and started working summers for my dad doing construction. Except for the time around the end of my first marriage and I started going to college, I've worked very hard. Now I have a hard time doing laundry. Here I am, this big man ex-marine and I can't help my wife carry groceries from the car to the kitchen. This is a source of major depression that I'll probably write about later. In any case, I get so frustrated not helping around the house that I go and do a lot more housework than my body can handle and I end up in severe pain for the next few days afterward--regardless of the pain medication.